Well things are thrashing my mind as usual. Just got back from a 3 day nature/hiking field trip and I'm leaving for another one tomorrow. On friday at lunch my girlfriend was crying because (she said) she thought her friend wasn't going to be her friend anymore or something, but she acted like it was nothing. I ain't pryin', so I'm gunna assume that's all it was. It was weird though. Seems whenever she is sick or sad it has some effect on me. Totally lost my appetite and gave my lunch to my friend. And man, I got soo cold out of nowhere later that day, it was weird. She went home after lunch, and later found out she had strept throat but she is better now (1 day recovery?) And all I could do was stand there, 'cause her friend was talking to her and... I hate feeling powerless, helpless, useless. I wanna wipe away her tears, but it's nothing I'm a part of or something I could comfort her about, especially at school... Baaah I know I am a terrible boyfriend and that truth gnaws at my conciousness... at least I think I am. I reflect too much for my own good, which leads me to my own psychological depression areas where I just think I totally f**ked up and wanna just shoot myself, but be able to wake up later. Like knock myself out or something. Just need to get away... Sometimes I think dieing for your love is so much easier than living for them. And it seems like love turns into a competition. We each try to be sweeter and nicer to each other, besting each others gifts... See I got that from my depressed self relfection.. I have warped my mind so much I can't tell what is real anymore... That's when I like to sink down and just listen to some deep lyrics and clear my thoughts... There are times, when various songs are playing usually on the bus radio, where I kind of imagine the perfect movie ending. Like the 3 doors down song, let me go. Like i'm living this whole other life she never knew, till she almost dies then sees me and i look at her confused, worried, sad face and can only walk away into the sunset. ... That was more like a dream. I don't know, my childhood (6-10) was greatly influenced by a number of video/anime characters. Dias (star ocean II) was one of my favorites, as was Kenshin. Mainly I tried to be the silent skilled type. Kind of like a assassin/ninja (which in games I always will be if possibly). But in the real world, sociality is what you need to get ahead. So I have half of me, the aware, quiet, tense side. Who longs to live in a world of the past. Then my party, social, fun side where I screw off all day and have fun. No one wants my wanderer side... except for me. I have thought of just leaving and finding myself... Running away in a sense. But then my girlfriend would get so sad and all that. (More mind-created depress/warped thoughts) Oh it will probably never happen, but I tend to get the feeling often that living life in one spot at one time is so boring. It's hard to be constantly moving though... I don't know, this is long enough so I'll stop. I'll write back in a week or so.