sometimes you cant see an end and sometimes poeple do something thats really sweet and really kind for no reason and for a moment it makes everything ok. just for a little while, and it lets you prepare fior the plunge, lets you catch your breath. That is always something to be thankful of. sometimes you cant see an end, you see people get married and you think of the divorce rate, your parent gets better after bing ill and you wonder how long it will be till they get ill again, you drink untill you cant move and you wonder how many more drinks it will take till you pass out and dont feel. you wonder how long it will be till your not alone anymore. and its that wondering that is killer, it gets worse but thats the start. the start of it all you wake up in the night and its cold, you feel safe in the darkness because no one can see you and you can't see, but you now daylight will come, you get sick of getting up each morning and applying your smile with the rest of the make up, when people ask you if your ok you get sick of saying yeah im fine what about you? it sounds so hollow that it echos in your ears. perhaps this is just being a teenager., maybe im feeling sorry for myself, maybe i should just raise that shield again. am i ok? sure im fine what about you?

yeah eeeeeeaak seems to be the story of my life. i walk on eggshells, constantly. The person who is supposed to protect/look after me and stop me being scared is the person that i fear most. how ironic. i hate living here and living like this. i hate it. hate myself . hate him. hate peole. i dont even feel like i belong in the human race. is that retarded?? i dont even feel that i can or should post on here anymore, its odd and i don like it one bit. *sigh* its all livable with i spose. i will just have to stick some music on, it will sort it all out. i hope

what i really hate is when you wake up in the middle of the night, or way to early in the morning, because youv'e been dreamiing and youv'e got a song stuck in your head. is that just me being retarded or does that happen to people. it really bugs me because its usually a song or cd, or something, that i dont have. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh it bugs the hell out of me. does that happen to to you guys