It wasn't just easter that I waited for you when you went back to bellingen. The first time was worse but longer but easier... but harder. Since I had been seeing more of you, the short and sweet easter trip seemed like a lifetime. But since I had gotten to see how much you were, so stuck in yourself, I wasn't so caring about you, so although it was hard, I knew you weren't that great, and missed you but kept my eyes open for better. The first time however, was terrible, I just wanted to see you, or talk to you, I wanted to know what you were up to and how it made you feel. I wanted to know what you cared about and what you liked and what you hated. I wanted to know what you were going through and what you wanted in life. I wanted to know your friends. You were gone for a month. I was used to not seeing you much so I was used to it but that was a long time. When you said goodbye I wish I could've said take me with you. This doesn't even work. You never were someone I really respected. When I first met you.. I knew already. In fact you bugged me. Then when we became friends, you were even more annoying. Always making me feel like you were squashing me and never caring or asking if I could breathe. So then why did you let this happen? Why did I let this happen? All you did was steal my heart. You were the one I loved but you didn't respect that. I wanted friends. I was alone and where was everyone? I didn't know. I messed my life up long ago, but I don't think I was the one to take all the blame. But I never took my part of the blame, and did anything about it. I wonder if it could've all worked out.. I got myself lost from everyone, I couldn't keep up and no one wanted to know.

You're off with people, I'm alone sad and lonely. I don't really have a means of seeing where you are. I feel dizzy. It's almost been another half an hour. I've contemplated this situation and every angle. But maybe not coming to any conclusions. I just worry because of how it all fell apart once. I love you. I want you around. I want to know what you want to know. I want to know anything. I want to know about you. I wish it was me you were going to spend easter with. So so easily. Seriously crappy. My life I don't know if I'll ever see some sort of anything. I'm really upset.

I've been looking for a job and trying everything and thinking of anything that I could do. My resume is not much to be proud of. Anything but really all I want is you. I cant say it to you. I cant do anything as I love you, I dont want to lose you. Trying to find anything so I dont tell you. My resume is crap, I wonder if they're going to call me back, I'm impatient. Havent slept in like this for ages. This place is not much of a house. People are always busy, the phone today is taken up, and no one makes anything nice, food is seen as a waste of time. There's no food to make food. Restuarants are no fun when they are your dining room and the only place you get to see your family. How can you behave? How can you act in a polite way when you really need relationships and they dont give you a comfortable space. Dont even get me started on volunteer work and community work. Like how can you say you are a blessing to the community when you wont even make a good home? When you wont give your family good family things? Well you always say it's what everyone does. I dont agree. But what's the point in just being in disagreement all the time, that doesnt make it better. You stay around because I complained you werent there. But you're still not there, you're not in support, you're just always busy around us now when I just want to be away from you now. I dont even want your time anymore, and when I needed you and needed stuff you werent and you didnt give.

And I'm not confident. I'm thinking that I feel really annoyed.. You judge me as being some kind of person thats wants more from you then I do and then you treat me like you want to be friends. You've got an idea of me that I don't know how to avoid and I don't know how to show otherwise and you seem to hold it like it's more real to you... then the breath of air that I breathe. Then I think I have something to say but it's never good enough. Then I don't think speaking is all the important but I feel as though I never gave it a chance or thought that there was possibilities. Then I think too much about you and it becomes too intense and one tracked, I don't think of anything else when there is things, many things that are part of life, that should be part of my life, that should be considered. And afterall, do you even feel like you could say what you really wanted to say? While I'm trying to talk I wonder if it looks like I am, I wonder if I don't have my ears open or I guess that I would show that they were somehow. It's pointless when you don't get anything from this. I wish I had of said more about the story for going to maccas. I'm getting tired but I wish.

today and it was on special for 22 dollars less. But I did buy moneen today and it was also in the specials bin, so "no better way to show your love then a set of broken legs" by moneen really describes my life to date. And I can't have conversation where I can get to how I feel and I feel down but I want to say why, it really annoys me that it's just me being down. I want to eat something, I had an early dinner cause we had a sausage in bread, but I wonder what to have. I wonder about what to do, I would ask or just say... no I think my head is spinning I can't focus. I really should go get something to eat/drink maybe, get a break..

My head was head-aching as I drove, so this evening I couldn't be there, I'm sorry.