6:30. still crying, but not hysterically as before. Am starting to unerstand there are explanations behind the things i am feeling (or not feeling). I'm not the only one with these 'episodes' in fact mine are nothing in comparison to the badly afflicted. i'm sure this would be comforting if i could muster up enough energy to care. If flo picks me up. It will give me something to look forward too. And i know that if he doesn't my mood will sink deeper. not his fault. My life (everything about my life) is dependant on the 'now' what is happening at this very moment and this very time , how i FEEL right now is the only think i can focus on for long periods. It's hard to think about the future in realistic terms, my mind wanders into unattainable fantasies as if it knows that even the simplest of pleasures i am unable to attain on my own. complete dependence. complete independence. substance dependence. substances that keep me emotionally restrained, like a muzzle on a dog. repressing thoughts and feelings that would otherwise elicit ..a mood swing. Whatever it is that is causing them

very very very clear feeling of emptiness. and loneliness. 4:06

I look up on what is afflicting me in terms of interest.. i find it interesting.. i study myself and my actions to try and make some logical sense out of something unavodable that feels right but not natural. This lead to short fantasy involving me studying my own disorder finding amazing new break through s in mental health though self study. Writing a book and being awarding multiple honors for being such an asset to medical history. Pathetic.

i will realise i like something, becoming overly fond of it, pay attention to it or abuse it until i am sick / bored of it. Deject it and move on to something else. Will most probably return to it in time of need for comfort. People, food, music, toys, fashion, my appearance. Obsess over something until have bled it dry. bled it dry.

Bad mood swing over. How do i feel? still not completely back to reality but i am focusing enough to realise i have priorities to take care of. Planning for the future seems more realistic now. I have Hope. (while re-reading first sentence got teary but subsided quickly as thoughts changed to different subject) Feel some form of determination. Feel the will to prove myself because of the kindness and understanding of my boss towards my undeserving situation. Realise the need to succeed. Failure is NOT an option, having the skills to manipulate myself is scary. Talking myself in and out of doing things due to hesitation or lazyness is becoming an issue > all goes back to lack of self control (or is that PERCIEVED lack of self control) Not being able to diffrentiate between what i am genuinely feeling and what i am feeling because i want attention or something else is confusing, Makes planning confusing. I am confused thinking about it. Without goals and things to work towards life is meaningless ( NO STRUCTURE EQUALS CHAOS) in the same way a bored person will take greater interest in something than a busy person. The bored person has nothing else to distract them from the reality of their smallness. Big deals are not big deals even if they seem impossibly so at the time. Feelings of wanting to not exist, or that it wouldn't make a difference either way if i exist or not. I look up on what is afflicting me in terms of interest.. i find it interesting.. i study myself and my actions to try and make some logical sense out of something unavodable that feels right but not natural. Not natural. I don't feel natural. Is this more disassociation? I feel unconnected not disassociated. like nothing is clearly connected to me (i feel like this becuse i am alone) thoughts wandering to flo and when he will be returning but when he does return i will be disappointed. Nothing else to look forward to. My life is made up of avoiding bad things and looking forward to good things. And just numbness inbetween. numbness and confusion. Am i fat am i skinny am i attractive? For certain i know these things i can not be sure of. I have no idea on what scale i am judged, from experience i know people dislike me when they first meet me. I don't idealize just people but things also, collecting obsessions that comfort me beyond measure. I enjoy fantasy and cartoons because they offer me something intangible that i so desperately wish i had. Escapism through media. how do i feel now? I am angry? disappointed? rejected? that i have been left alone for so long. I know when he returns i will probably be irritated by his lack of recognition of this. I resent anyone who is having more fun than me. Spending time with people i like . I feel like i am missing out. What am i missing out on? I don't know yet. ** figure this out. detached tired.. exhausted.. no appetite. slightly anxious/scared of time moving forward. Don't want to accept responsibility but know i have to. Think of people i respect that are in worse situations and are suceeding more than me. I feel that i am below average intelligence. But am highly perceptive, almost overly so due to an overly critical nature.

a curcuit board with a broken circuit. Something missing

http://www.bpdresources.com/diagnostic.html#DSM

Does knowing you are afflicted by something make it easier to bare? Or perhaps i am not the victim of anything other than my desperate need for attention. I am nothing if i am not praised. Wanting a condition so that it gives me an individual aspect that is rare. Something that sets me apart from others, making me unique. Giving me an identity Making me interesting, making me worth praise or sympathy or any kind of human connection. i just want people to feel for me, because i can not feel for myself. How can you be numb. The emptiness is filled with anything and everything i can consume to blunt myself. If that is possible. No hunger, no pain, no anything, no love connection, confusion self loathing i feel sorry for myself and hate myself at the same time because i don't really know how i feel at all. I don't know what i feel. empty. Not empty but full of all the wrong things, full of sadness and little hope for the future. LIving inside fantasies and past memories of happiness that were fleeting and consisted of people admiring me and complimenting me over various things. I need those compliments more than i need air. My existence needs validation. Confusion between hunger and disgust at food i don't know if i love it or hate it. Comfort versus guilt. Not eating or disposing of food causes guilt. "how could i waste food, there are starving children in china? my mother went to the effort of making this food for me she would be disappointed if i didn't eat it. My parents worked hard for the money to provide this food." But if i eat it i will hate myself. I will become unattractive and if i am not attractive i will not get compliments so what's the point in living? People around me or better looking than me get my greatest attention because i will hate them with every fibre of myself for being what i can not be. I feel a deep deep seeded resentment towards those that are better than me and draw attention from me. Flash of jealousy I expect others to understand me / my mood swings / my opinions and reasoning behind everything because it is valid; because _i_ feel it. yet i can not relate to others and their problems genuinely because i am too selfish to understand another's point of view. I am the centre of the universe but i am completely forgotten and insignificant at the same time. Jealousy, mistrust. I trust no one completely not even myself, especially not myself. i Have more control over others than i do myself. My mind and body are two separate entities working with different agendas and my mind is winning. The result is death of the body. I feel like my body is dying. It's giving up, succumbing to sickness and fatigue. I have no motivation for the future, but feel such extreme guilt that i still manage to get through my daily activities. I hate people, and hate being alone. Loneliness makes everything worse. I feel like my life isn't real. Like i don't have to take anything seriously because if i fail i can just press the restart button. It feels so surreal. I don't trust my eyes because they lie to me, i don't trust my brain because it interprets everything wrong, i don't trust other peoples opinions because they are also wrong or lying to me. I manipulate others to avoid being manipulated myself. Being the brunt of a group joke is the most isolating feeling. Heart shattering. Coping mechanism is revenge. I am driven by revenge or the need to better others to fulfill my own sense of self satisfaction. Knowing my life is better than other peoples makes me happy.