1/27/05 So I walk again, slowly opening my eyes. The stillness of everything is not true anymore. The world wears a veil. The numbness is nice. I feel a bit arrogant though. I know just how powerless I am, but its almost like I cant let myself enjoy anything anymore. To laugh or play games is disrespectful to God somehow. The truth is that I do owe every minute to God for the blessings I have. Its kind of sickening how this works. The more suffering go through is the more I give to God, so to take to joy and want not to suffer seems to be turning away from God. I want to give my life to God, but becoming a slave in misery would not be love or a return on the investment in me. Atleast this is my excuse. I have become all consumed, anyway. The pull that is in me requires nurishment constantly. This has led me to very much so devote all energy to the will of God or atleast to the surrendering of my will. This is ever so pleasing to me. I never imagined myself working or devoting myself to anything in such a way. A faith in God is also everything that I always wanted. I was so lost though, so far away, so troubled. I seem to have come to God in the most absurd way. I ran Hell on earth, told God I didn't need him, fell into dispair, still to proud to turn , and tried to end it all. I gave a half assesd attempt at suicide and did so in the pretense that I was helping others and God. This was by far my most cowardly or atleast my stuppidest misthinking. The truth is that I may have helped others by relieving them of the daily worry of me, but would bringing them the finallity of my death and the hold og guilt and wondering be better. Only God knows what is or was best. God has been gracious to me because I am here. I also have come along to have desires other than my emediate gratification and mostly now have desires of good will and love. I give all credit for this change to God and justly so for I just seem to be riding along while my life is changed piece by piece. I deserved no help and received plenty. All that I really do now is acknowledge Gods grace and it seems to be enough to keep God working into me, working in ways I could not by myself. . However seeing the dark sides of myself, I feel ashamed and its hard to walk with God and be his friend. I have been so awful to God, and carrying my conscious of thist is draining. I know the forgiveness is there, but just being me now is disrespectful. How can I sit here with these thoughts and this lack of charity with all that has been given to me? Even more so everything that has been stripped of me has been just as much a blessing. The guidance and lessons learned are on the pathway of eternity and any bit of this wisdom could keep me from Hell and leed me to Heaven . Someday I will see the grace given and all the chances thrown away through the years. I fear the shame of it all. How many prayers of others was I fortunate enough to receive. How little did they know about what I deserved. Do I really deserve this opportunity in life? No, I don't but given another day I must believe there is a reason why. Well I suppose I must forget about all that and do evrything that I can now. I try but the fear I have lays as much in the past as the future. I have stumbbled through the darkness and then all of the sudden the light is on. Its horrifying to look back and see the monsters and dangers that I was dancing with in the night. So the light is on, but now I see I am the monster, and this doesnt wash easy. Seems as if pulling out the teeth of a shark does very little, more teeth grow in their place. So I have just become resigned to learning not to bite, trying not to bite, and feeling horrible that I do bite. ----------------------------------------

1/25/2004 This thing has become an old gig but still never fails to catch me surprised. I feel as if I am stumbling through my days and weeks go unnoticed. Yesterday prooved to me I am certainly not alone. Yesterday I sat calm for the first time in the storm. Clear vision and mind, I sat and witnessed. I sat and witnessed trying to stay straight with my thoughts and not moving from influence. I went to bed which was a show of faith and trust by me. However, I seemed to get the worst that I have yet because I did no work. Still I tried to fade it out, but it was here. I had slipped away again. I don't even realize it. If you ask me at the time, I believe that the world has changed and I am the same. Will I ever learn what's happening. I truly don't know if things are accurate now or then. I think that today I have my ego and yesterday it was smothered. I don't know the forces behind it. In the calm its told as God, but I sit here and I feel raped. In the heat it feels devilish but it shakes me so much that I tear down my ego. I have run up and down, over and over, through my life. Its ridiculous, but I can not let me in me exist with false beliefs, shaky personality, unchecked abominations and abuses. I examine all my relationships and step into my body at that time. I can feel it differently and I can see the other people didn't like and often hated me. So this thing is breaking me down. I have become happy to be brought back to check myself. I know the life I have is what is best, I couldn't have gotten here by myself. Still having nothing of the world, caring nothing of the world, makes me feel like I am becoming nothing to the world. I can not look to where I am going as a goal. The sight in the distance looks awful. All I can do is trust the direction. I also don't understand how this is and how everything was. Shit went all the way back 10 years. It seems that I have just been a passenger in a car called me. Im not even driving. Then I have to sit there while the car starts driving into traffic. Then the driver turns and begins to ridicule me for getting us lost. This has gotten so fucked up, but I have to just keep going. I want cry and I get angry, my whole life as I perceived it has been taken from. Still bitching and complaining is not what I want to do. I have learned much again, and gone to look at many more things and have received clear direction. Its just hard to feel happy coming out the fog. I'm happy because i'm out but angry for the treatment. Its like what the fuck, get the hell out of my life, who do you think you are? Thats what I would like to think but I wont. Mostly the abuse comes from me. The weather brought in is true and justified mostly. I can never go back in thought and catch it in a lie. Now other things find and fill a wholes in my mind. Stupid little constructs, and templates define and make firm the flimsy. The results are making something but during the tempest I feel I am nothing, having and holding nothing. I take big hits onto my faith, and hope. Put through this over and over I felt before and I do now that these virtues of the spirit are now stronger and I wont drop them again. This is not true. Dropping them seems to become a must. The thing itself is set out as if to use hope and faitht against me. It atleast sets out in a way that ends up showing me my hope and faith are week and useless. It will use anything and everything, all you have said and say, everything you do, against you. But my faith has holes thats why its faith. Its search and destroy and if I follow along checking holes at this time, I could lose it all. Not only that, it will push and pull until I actually start to lose control over my actions. Death or hospitalizations are possible if I don't leave my thoughts about God away in the distance. If I pull this out I am liable to do anything, and for some reason I don't get punishment for not going there bringing about God. Reasons why do make sense to me now. Like Job or David God seems to be creating strength from ones witness to their own powerlessness and wretchedness. Standing tall with God seems a farse. I'm mad at myself for where my mind was yesterday. In my next attack I will be mad at myself for being here writing this and saying that today. It is always so dark in storm that I can not understand how. I'm sitting here now not understanding how I could have looked at myself as the worst piece of shit human to have ever lived just a day earlier. This happens every time. I suddenly am the most wretched and sinister man to have ever lived. Biblical pieces are thrown around in my head without my intention or strife making little warriors that set out to attack something or anything that I have faith in. These little warriors are invicible at the time and set out showing truth correcting my lies of self. They come along to something about me and start mocking it until it hides behind some bushes. They also come together making reference and drawing light to things that give apocalyptic thought and have put serious question in my head about who I am and what i've done. It quite literally implys that I am the devil made flesh. I question if I am the devil or a demon and I have been pretending my whole life to be not. Time itself seems to be under the influence or more like it is not real at all. Many times I am being mocked about everthing that is me existing, but it also seems to mock me saying that I never was apart of anything existing with a will that was always to be and always will be. It seems like watching a movie and then feeling deep sorrow for your lack of ability to have made the enemy turn his ways.. So why is there any concern or care for what I think if its beyond me anyway. Why am I continually shown how pathetic I am if this was always and could be no other way. I guess it gets angry that I start thinking that I actually am apart of my own life. I also could guess that this trial will eventually leed to my answering to the call to change. So I have grown tired and week of fighting with it. I was just as miserable but I saved myself the panic and minute by minute maintenance. I just let the ship sink. It made no difference on the results. Where it finally brings me is the same. ____________________________

1/18/2005 this air feels dead, something like sadness, the storm left gone, leaves me calm, burried left knowing this face down ripped limp, i'm powerless... never giving up, hiding elephants, reached a place, stopping make trace, leaves way, water soaked earth breath, fertile ground gave birth again, to........... ancient conscious, again, new born conscious, laughs at me, ancient conscious laughs at me... again, this ancient conscious, is born again to laugh at me, again and again, laughing again at me, conscious... We wait so long, looking for things, big things, I get excited over ticket stubs.. never give up, leaving open wounds, bleeding out think to stepping the moon... Something great of ranks never witnessed feels like nothing fallen achievement, broken, slipping away. thoughts stab in to rip out, that now past day and out comes the common world thick and flowing back and in, around me running schedule, now only more clear, These people to witness me all alone in here... for some reason we never stop breathing, like to see you... see you, walk with me, share glances, give out prizes, I would like to see you walk along, give out prizes. see you, watching this film, glad its just a movie... I would like to see you watching glad its just a movie. touch this... just for a minute, never, will you look at me the same again... Feel this... weep for a minute, never, look at me, then never look again... I wont waste time laboring for kisses. Feel the gain, gather gifts I don't need your pitty old friend the liar self pitty hurt myself holding thoughts Left by myself, all alone wondering left here thinking about why you won't Its not a movie and i'm wondering why you dont for some reason same reason I never stop, we never stop, breathing for some reason.... same as the reason we never stop breathing, like to see you forget about me like to see you forget about me like to see you forget about me Its the same reason we never stop breathing... Forgetting you, never known me, leaving... ----------------------------------------------------------------------

1/16/2005 With wonderful happiness in moments on earth it sometimes feels like heaven, but I must catch myself before that holds true. It does seem that whatever we bind before death in truth would also be true after death. so I just think. What will heaven be like and the world be like after judgement? I'm optimistic, i can fix that later....... A poem without words that makes everyone understand, embracing all our passions united to Jesus Christ and his mercy.......and Christ will introduce us to the Father by name as a friend.. ......one song plays and it is truth.......but everyone has a dance to call their own. or it might be a football game, ---------------------------------------------------

1/16/2005 Lord jesus, I do not need anything else but what you have allready given to all. You reveal your mysteries to the humble through the Holy Spirit. I give you thanks, for you have drawn me out of pure darkness and gave me light when I did not know of it. I give you thanks, for you gave me patience to endure trials for the sake of truth. I give you thanks foryou gave me wisdom to know that I could not find you without truth I give you thanks, for you gave me sickness so that I would be revealed. I give you thanks, for you were there to save me when I turned to you for help I found you in me. My heart is forever united to yours. I pray that in my own humanity, I keep close to that place we have with you. Give me strength to not tarnish this special bond ever again. I hold onto this as my faith so that I never doubt or question you again. I know that you will never break your promiss to me, give me strength in weekness to allways defend you and your church. This is my pride, my trust in God's will and my joy in his glory. You have shown me that you will not leave me out in the cold.. I have put all my trust in you because you make all things possible. Your wondeful compassion brings me peace. Holy Mary, mother of God, thank you for your prayers and sacrifice, I will forever know that you took care of me and heard my silent cries. --------------------------------------------

1/16/2005 So what do you get out of this? What did you get out of me before? Was I simply entertainment.? That morning when I awoke and opened my eyes to see that quiet flower.......you know that it was over for me.. I was always waiting for that day, even though I didn't ever have any way of knowing about it. This is what gives me myself to have and to hold. I fell in love that day. and I will forever know that I never belonged to you.. I could finally speak after I saw that flower. I always knew its language, but only now can I see why I never spoke it. The walls around here in this endless maze break things down. But the greatest gift I ever received was that flower which actualized my hidden passion.. I have always known these words and they brought me home. Secret prophecy has come to pass. I understood the all the sufferring when I was able to speak the words of the flower for the first time. I was finally able to empathize with myself, giving back time served. I suffered to protect and hide this child, keeping him safe from the wolves.. Knowing what it was all for, melted my shell and all the pain inside flowed out around me like a beautiful river. Even the puddles dried up in the healing sun by the end of the day.. I can see that I hated every word that I ever uttered with you. I would rather sow my mouth shut than let another word slip out of my mouth belonging to you. I will not hide among the shadows anymore. I can not hide anymore because I have been revealed to myself. I won't lie to hide the truth, you know that wasn't what it was before. So let me go.... even if I must walk out naked I will go. But you can't even give me this now can you old man? Do you have nothing good at all in you? You are an empty shell even if you have me. I planted the seed and what an amazing thing it is now. So break away fool and let be the new. What are you afraid of? You should see that I will never leave you either. I need you too. You make all this beauty possible. This house is awful, but its sadness gives life to everything else. The only ugliness left is the pathetic attempts to sudduce me with old lies and games, But keep it up because it only brings me more passion. Your clinging hands are growing weeker and you can not keep up this pace. You will eventually get tired and lose your pride. You will keep getting smacked down, and you will gain nothing but watching me grow stronger. You take away 1 thing and it brings me 2 more. Don't you see? . You are so sick, and I had to be with you alone all that time. I was shut into your wretched house and hidden. Now you see me, and try to call me a fake, but I say firmly you are wrong........... I learned everything about you, pretending to be dumb. I was undercover from birth, a hidden virus within, I just did because that was what I did. I did not know the mission and I did not know my own program that brought me out. you underestimated me...... I was lying to you all that time to hold onto one tiny thing. It was a key to open up the door of truth when I found it. But you couldn't take that key from me and the door is open now, so its over. Still you look confident, not shaken. Too much pride to acknowledge the truth just as before. So mock me, rape me, beat me.... Its just pain now... not destruction. These new walls may cover me up, but the gifts that I have received don't live here. When I see the end now, do you think I will give up? Yes, you still are in control, but you can do yourself no good...so if you want a piece of this I suggest giving up. Till then I will wait for you to burry yourself around me. --------------------------------------------------------------------

1/15/2005 The sun is setting and the dim light casts a view of the before and after. An erie calm and quiet speak silently. I take in a clear perspective that I have not had for sometime. I'm trying to fight off my ever-inflating thoughts of my self impotatance around this place. The scars I see on my body and the open wound deep in my flesh are still raw and demanding I pay them attention. Who am I to know Gods ways? After all, is not the devil presnt in this world under God. Does not the Devil serve a purpose too? Its clear he does, he makes a good foot stool. When walking along with dark shadows I can find truth in lies. The shadows are real as me, and watching them can help me understand the sun too bright to gaze upon. But the sun works its way over the world creating birth, growth, death and then letting it witness itself. The images left behind from last week when I was carried away into the night lost in oblivion seem to be saying something more to me. I am left with a fear because it does not seem clear if what it is saying is good or bad. It has left me worried about the gifts i'm holding onto. I can't give them up, I must defend them against this uncertainty. Still, I can't doubt the feeling I have inside that tells me this is right even if I am wrong. It seems God's will for me is important even if it is not for myself to make off with a prize. But it holds true that following the basic law and commands opens the door for his direction, even as I don't follow and fail. The aftermath of destruction always seems right because it always takes down something shabby. I'm still being pulled towards God, and the lessons taught in shame bring forth much fruit. The passion in me grows even stonger and I anxiously await direction. All of these images that contradict, tell lies and reveal truth. Everything of this world has withered away but 1. This is beautiful to see. Its just as that 1 thing said it would be. The 1 thing here that we have that is untouchable to the Devil and the fires of hell. ------------------------------------------------------------------

1/14/05 The rain pours on me and it feels great. The cold stings and brings comfort. I can touch these gifts within me now and I can be thankful for the trial. Revelation is not revealed but uncovered. Right here and now, I am trying to maintain some humility and perspective, but it just made me so happy today. A little bite to keep pulling me along. -----------------------------------------------

1/13/05 Sitting here again. Only one week priour I waas in the hospitalt know how to feel, Should I be Happy for what I found or sad for what I lost. Shall I follow silent commands that speak loud one day and slip away the next. What is happenning? What am I now? Have I done wrong? Is this right? I think I will wait. Yes, this is the mood. I am beaten and bruised with no one to console me. This makes me stronger I say. I have nothing else to feed the pain to.I am stronger today, this true. I am wiser today, this is true. God is somtimes haed to see, and i'm confused ometimes I wish this all brought hate but even if it did it would make no difference. I choose to come along and do my best and trust God to take care of me now and bring me to where he wants. I must be silent observer learning with humility and patience. Prayers for me please...because this is not easy. May I pray, can I pray? I have fear for all and especially myself. I don't think its right sometimes but I have to trust were this is going. If there was not something better for me than God would just let me be alone where I was. Every beating I take, I secretely keep score and hope my points will earn me the kingdom. Tragically it clearly doesn't work this way. It seems all or not. In not it sometimes feels real bad and other times I can ignore. But I hold onto knowing that I am becoming. I grab his hand and follow . Still fighting my tears hoping he wont see. There is no whining in this game. The truth revealing truth and tearing me apart. It feels good but makes me feel bad. I guess that is why I keep picking up these pieces. It seems to be ridiculous the way I just pick up. But left waiting I must live and living brings back the old. I want it gone, but I know I need it. I am it and it needs to be taken care of. Tender care is all I can ask but I will not get. How can something that feels like torture create this love. Fear and love have fastened together in myself. I think that maybe I must lose this fear. Is it the fear that chains me down? I want revealation. I need to know if i'm coming or going. Its hard to not look beyond oneself.. I can touch this and see this yet I seem to be alone. Impossible to relate, I would have never known. I am sorry that sometimes my only hope makes me turn away and give up hope. I'm still here though just face down. Waiting for a better day to catch up. I walk alone and drown out the cold by singing a happy toon. This skeleton is all thats left but its still walking along. Why? Make me whole please, these bones wont do. Week again I think i have learned something. I lift my had up and look ahead with a smile. No more hiding behind see-through masks. Thank you Lord Jesus, I can not look away from you. I hope that my time away from my house has allowed you to do some cleaning. I feel very bad for inabilty to move. I can see the subtle way this works. I leave open and you take away for me. I look forward to a better day to draw some inspiration but I will not hold on for I know my mind is feeble. How delicate these gifts are. What do I do with these gifts, it feels tragic to lay waste. I hardly want at all anymore, mostly I just want to bring peace to my unselfish love. which seems to hurt as much as my love for me. Through the gain of this joy, but also brings much pain for this. I would like to keep this. The hidden messages talk about many things, but I really cant let it tear apart my love. But yes, my love can be withought connection for loves sake. Just take me away trust and carry me love. My faith speaks so bold, it wont give in. My faith carries all the hope yet strides aside trust. Faith must relax to allow this trust to become real. Never losing hope but I must relax. Cant keep griping faith and hope. it is choking me. I can feel it. Letting go of thought, holding onto my love, cleaned conscious, keeping secure and warm in my trust. Saying now trust God and be taken away. Take my burdens to the Lord for some ease. Thank you Lord, this opening was not clear before. I feel light again. I feel the gifts within and I look forward smiling. I stop for a moment to appreciate and congradtulate. Change is not easy. * Just remeber tht sometimes change takes time and patience may be needed troughout the process.* ---------------------------------------------