5/17/2005 ignorance mine, living ignorant time i'll take whats due, sorry and wish I knew afraid of butterflys releasing them as beauty certain effect unknown returning seem dirty these grains of sand washed over and over journal to advice revealing no leaf clover Ignorance of mine, ignorant in time regret be my nuise, living my abuse truth stays beside me good or bad be good it was, is, and stands left hanging tasted food The sun, the moon, and the stars all find there place all under Gods hand please weave this web with grace Till time hs no distinction to me its all the same I wait here for direction I keep a lion I must tame -----------------------------------------

4/10/2005 when all goes black, insides left empty looked for the blood, no, there's none i''m emptied out, woke up a corpse, dead. indeed, it was shed by all, no, me... all me Where did it go? why today? no answer here this new void is new for sure, hungry something new to me, certainly news to you indeed, soul whining about pain, spirit of three within stay away then, remember I am dead This new nothing, it, it sure must be something no one to hear my last breath sucked through open wounds grotesque and beautiful, dropped down, gave it away indeed, my gracious friends, take this wind, take it away the animals we eat are dead, digesting doesn't hear the girl shes dumb, has no ears but with this fall, this nothing was something indeed my healing pain must be something, but cant find that fear? Empty tank, walking feet, still cutting mind to numb to check, instead hear look and take hold! fat red pump inside left unemployed dead yes, but bright is the life, radiant and eager lion, lamb or BULL? I died for the first time, dead to myself because I should know, you must know no one dead here to burry the dead but me, not at all, no more even with this pain and your........... pens soft dirt I try, burry me, somehow I let the shovel drop angry red heart jumping out and without found my soul a foot, heart calling out indeed, this won't stop here, THIS i can hear step one, angry heart glowing and glaring step two nothing to loose, never knew it lost this heart said no you ain't done yet son find me, take a note and step up I don't care you see so this heart takes step two and three I'm not here, but this heart about commanding calling me I hear, new, nothing I am, in bloom, something I have such lies are told from mouths of dark night fools I care, theres nothing left, just never known me yes friends, I died i'm sure, imagination, psyche from spirit but I was never me for it was never mine to be Heart pumping air, yelling from roof tops no mouth, just passion, cosmic manipulations bad blood runs from this eerie indignity indeed, indeed I am born in death just to witness this glory dried up heart in hand thats not calling names, screeming out no disgrace free..sorry i pray, now I lay giving all away.. foot prints show, i don't care how slow I care, heart flopping red taking back, cause nothing was something yes my Lord indeed, light through the dark new body showing feet this day I died, I found new, springs of refreshing pain throbbing soul listening, now more than clear I said fuck this body, stronger then, stronger now burried it as rotton, complete empty lamentation something new.is here its a purged heart, pretty sweet little heart searching for a body, bad blood.coming with how could I forget what I was, and know I was not nothing...not, not mine, call me a theif this heart will never die, My God eternal never cry, and you all surely now know why Thought it was over, my lips couldn't move dead, I gave up breath and breath gave in new body is growing, new obedience its showing who is in control? forsaken by all, in my all, born of none So God shows me a new thing lets play, let us play, dance tomorrow is today because now you know I don't care This heart churns mud, now having so much fun cut it open to slurp in the flood red rain falls around these days perfect and it is the new, bad blood, best taste yet fill me up to move, what a dream, its new flavor for me Take care! be well stay clear i'm the good spit out of hell.... I take answers now yes, its allready known but what choice do you have you surely want to stay friends Love is eternal and this for sure salvation is here to all who do not fear redemption you question speak of walls, what will keep when the glory WAS, IS and WILL BECOME ---------------------------------------------------------------

4/1/04 so whats it like? which side falls harder? 100s carry weight that I carry now. When its switches i hope instant karma don't get you. I love you, and you live on in me. The circle seems to have a break leaving a future train wreck. So someone tell me how to fix this? Or am I just breaking it now? Do you all know that I don't know. Dont see,cantfigure, cant accept blame anymore....so its over. Drop your pencils and kill me.... -----------------------------------------------------------------

4/1/05 sitting here watching waiting... sitting there silent driving... strapped in now dead... on course destny steady... -------------------------------------------

3/1/2005 flurry-sudden confusion |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ((( flying butress )))) \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| (((((( factorials ))))))))) \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ foam~rubber Foo~Fa~Raw Fag~endings Fly~leaf |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ((((((furlough))))))) |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| FACELESS FIGURiINE FREEWILLED FLYBLOWN ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| (((((((((((( FALLEN ))))))))))))))) |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| fussy + fettered form + faction |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | || ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| fermentation flammerry forensics forgeries |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| fabrrication freewilling fenagling forsaken ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||faithless|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| forword forwarning fortime foevermore` friggs familial fullurous fullfillment fndamental foundations ulminatingfullfaced fresnel mirrorred-facsimile flummoxedfolly frail furor frenzy furnishings |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||| forever ||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| faban fortitude featherweight failsafe famework |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| fait-accompli finished fresco |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| forrunning followin furthermostg fore-given forgiveness free-giving formulation fraternal furseal finalize |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||f iancee fulcrum full-dressed fained fairing |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| few fornamed freelancing ferrete followng favorable firth ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| fit for feast |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||| feasting ||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| facultative functionaries finagled fellowship feasible flluxed fluctuatting faint |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| fostering fulsomeness foraging formost` factitious flagship Ferryman fake forlorn felsenmer footing flume fall ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| fluorescing faceless faithless frantic fathomless future |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| -------------------------------------------------

2/15/2005 forboding twiddle testimonials to the terminus avante-gard ebb keystone vista embroilery iviniferous invitations amorous homecomings neophyte inaugurations breech into the hale Don Juan out and out falconry dereliction nom de plume harvesting the hapless grid curio provisio spawn and spatter serenity abutting the bungle splendor in the spanking new mar of the rape-hearted fellowship suctural girandole render your heart not your garments the inauspicious bedazzled wince woebegone deliquesce churlish crawlers,viraho look at this forsigtht then ossify grate out grave lamentations pinion to routine desolution bled out, cover over assay runaway, hollow ghawk! domicile lamentations preservation fatigued sere penury, comatose unsound postulate prison obliged serpentine crux phlegmatic rotton riddles menacing proclivity rules of engagement enchantment niche dulcet flash flare rendezvous lukewarm lumber nil-paltry, mollycoddle prey encrypted rankle folded and fixed empty considerations transfixed rhapsody mystery now birth right nil paltty, image ibued ill-will inborn Good things gone just stretch marks forced tribunals imminence and evidence sanctions nolo, fire or ice carpe de cassanova carnal illuminations sublimation of blue blossoms laying blame charleton shimmer tumbbledown zephyr dormant dignification head strong repugnance fertive insignia sub rosa sacraments macabre haze lacuna procure sacraments of sabatoge murky pageantry defamed martyr recoil and recollection intermittent benevolence slipping in, giving back taking pain, hopeless hope permeate certainly isubsidie the breech futility tried and true ignorance now defiance manefesto sacrosanct lilly-white, nobility, sublime, ogler exoneration and extingency pendulus and peevish spurious tryst the pennant, devlish lies taken from you from you -------------------------------------------------

2/13/2005 Blessed are we,,, we are the children of the shadows, we are th children born and raised in lies, we are the children of Babylon, we are the children confused and born blind They are not chained down,. They are afraid of the shadows that crawl,. They have forgotten how to love, They have no reason to live at all They settled here long ago, They have eyes but do not see, They don't know they are dead They think some how they are free blessed are we... We are the week, the hungry, the sick, and the imprisoned We are the naked, the sad, the desparate, and the broken hearted. we can abide in the good, yet we are held captive to the bad we can know the truth, yet we are lost in all the lies we can feel lthe love, yet we have become the hate we can see the light, yet we hide in the darkness blessed are we... we can recieve God, the love of Christ, with the Holy Spirit, the truth and the light blessed are we.... we are the children of the shadows turn with all hope to Jesus, and do not fear, In God's kingdom,. there willl be no more tears _________________________________ lines from HAPPINESS IN SLAVERY, NIN - Trent Reznor Don't open your eyes, you won't like what you see, the devils of truth steal the souls of the free don't open your eyes, you won't like what you see, the blind have been blessed with security don't open your eyes, take it from me I have found you can find happiness in slavery ------------------------------------------------

2/5/05 I think women are beautiful I feel worried about writing something here now I believe this is not working as expected Vinny is mostly white Vinny seems to really admire me Vinny is a cat --------------------------------------------------

2/4/05 I don't know where I am. I don't know if my own happiness is a lie and i'm hiding from my own karmic punishment. Its tiresome having to justify anything and everything about me because I need a drug to not be miserable. Every time I feel like I have reached a safe place, I forget this drug is a fucking requirement. I guess I just hate this fact so much that I continue to go along without any action to get legitimate medical authority. I never want to think about it anymore because I have obtained peace and it seems fake when I need to take pills to have it. Without these pills, I don't just lose the almost too much to ask for peace of mind, but without them I am now left in utter darkness and ruins. I can and have done many things trying to change and better myself. I have spent 1 year with my main attention on restoring a good, open relationship with God and the universe. I have done my best to climb out of the wreckage of an ignorant, self-gratifyting life of sin and secrecy. I am always fortunate for this opportunity and there has not been a moment since where I could ever ask why me. My bellief and only hope is God's mercy and graciousness. I have gained so much wisdom of life and lost so much uneeded baggage of anger, jealousy, and pride. I have learned more in 1 year with reverence and yearning for God and goodness than 29 years of arrogance, and faith in nothing acting like a fool. These things are absolutely everything to me now. I have found joy in good things. I have larned truth is allways to be the goal and dedicated everything in me to it. There is no where to turn if all this too has been a lie,. I feel as if I never have any right to complain about anything under God. I have endured all my trials and losses smiling. The past is always there to remind me of my foolishness and the future in front of me is tied down and limited in view of what could have been. I see this as a blessing. Experiencing a life of lies chasing everything but God has made thin gsof God more visible now. Truth, love, and purity shine out as the things of the material world disapear. Everything I feared losing I lost and it was good. It was also the only way to real life and happiness. This I know is not a lie. Many a cliche do ring true and I can see what truly does matter in life. I am now just so afraid that this has been revealed to me as a permanent testament to how I should have lived and what I could have had. I can see the preciousness of life and now that I really want it, my destruction looms over me. Still there is a fight in me now that will not give it up. I have waited my whole life for something while really just being lost and confused. Now the answers are there but there is price to pay to live. Its hard to break these chains of selfishness and sin. The good part is that I am breaking them and I can tell without question this change is right. I am sorry for my past but I know that I needed to experience all these things to be where I am now. I regret nothing because this treasure and opportunity to get it is so valuable to me. I really wouldn't change a thing because I am very happy with my blessings. Would a blind man who can now see with good vision have high risk surgery to make his sight perfect facing a return to blindness? Would a man knowing of a buried treasure on a piece of land not buy the whole piece to secure it. I I should get a real prescription. I am just afraid of starting down that path and losing what I have now. I dread going to a DR and watching them minimize this monster of a disease into a pretty little category fit to treat. I don't want to tell more lies to Drs to get the medication I need. I know what works and I don't give a shit about what anybody thinks is right for me. I'm sorry but I despise these Drs shuffling patients giving them their answers without consideration. I would love to have a good Dr, and I know that they are out there. I need a Dr that won't look at me as some hypocondriac thats overmedicated or an addict who just needs some good counseling. I've been dealing with this crap for years now and no one has helped me. I have had to result to manipulation and lies to get the medications that keep me alive and avoid the ones that put me in the gutter. I am tired of being the non complying patient. I know what works and it doesn't need to be changed because of some dumb ass risk. I wont be told to live a life in misery because my blodd pressure could rise or I might become impotent. This treatment is under no protocol and my way certainly wont be the Drs. way. My past is a junk yard of drugs and misdiagnoses that follows me. I could lie to get exactly what I need, but I really detest doing this now. It makes no sense This is definately much more than ADD. Sure it used to be standard ADD, and I can see how it always affected me, but these new afflictions hardly seem to fit ADD. There is no way thatt all the people with ADD suffer like this. ADD is a condition that affects productive life not one that cripples you physically and mentally. My body is this way now and it is critical. I don't care if its my fault or not, I am going to do whatever it takes to just be OK. Its not a matter of just dealing with lifes obstacles here. Last week was horrible and not bearable . I was so sick that I was in a place completely dark and tormenting. All becomes hopeless but the thought of getting just a moments peace. I hide this experience to myself evey time because it seems unacceptable to ever come back here. Why do I need these fucked up meds to not suffer? Why is this suffering so relentless and crippling? Why cant anyone seem to understand how bad this is. Its like withdrawing from narcotics but without end. I asure you that anyone would wish for death if this was to be their life. Just withdrawal with the view of recovery seems too much when you go through it. I tell you there is little difference. My thoughts become as knives that cut at me and anything I think about. I abandon myself, my well being, and thoughts of God, just to keep them safe for when I can return. Any treatment in positive living is so forced that it is fruitless and therefore excruciating. Dealing with anything... a conversation, what to watch on tv, my sick cat, throwing something away, cleaning up anything, geting out of bed, taking a shower, taking a shit or even picking my nose is an extreme chore. I sleep to avoid wake but I am in agony while sleeping too. The sleep brings a miriad of images all dealing with emotions of doom and torment. It is quite awful to sleep but better only because the time moves faster. Everything is painful and my inability to have a second of pleasure at all makes it all the worse. I can't think ahead to anything that will take myself away from this misery. Most of my thoughts are completely focused on passing through each and every horrible moment of existence. Every thought itself reminds me how terrible my life is and how I can do nothing to make it go away. Amidst this darkness, I fight myself over and over trying to stop thoughts about living this way indefinately. If it was to be terminal and constant, I would certainly want to die. Having this with me takes every bit of me away and I simply wait until I can return to peace. The only thing that keeps me going is time, but because I hardly wish to keep going and existing time becomes horrible and awful. Yet time is also my only friend, because its passing by is the sole source of nuirishment and consolation from this agony. Every bit of goodness excapes me. I feel no love for anyone or anything. I am totally self-consumed at the very time when I desire to be without any consciousness of me at all. This complete lack of charity is almost the most awful aspect. I witness this life-hating, fake-caring self and there is little to tell me that this isn't the real me. Everything I value, desire, and work for in myself appears to not exist. I am forced to consider all my appolo gies and mission statements to be lies on top of more lies. I am completely unable to even reflect on the good days prior to grab some bit of fruit telling me all is not rotton. Iin this state, because of this entire lack of substance in my (self) and life. I also cant reasonably think of anyway to start living differently or just simply except it. It is unexceptable. Its too awful. There is nothing real of me in these times and any attempts to make convictions quickly crumbles around me. I now again am medicated and doing well. I wouldn't and never will be writing feeling like I did. Right now I am so glad to be free that I am utterly happy only hours past not only depression but full despair. I again feel myself so afraid of where I just was that I cant seem to help leaving it behind like it was only a bad cold. I really don't want to recognize this is a part of me and that if circumstance should have it, could lose everything and gain a living hell. This is awful to go through but additionallyI the complete lack of sympathy makes you feel so alone. Its rather ridiculous and because I am immobolized and silent, I am actually offending others. I understand and don't get too upset but its hard to take. It would cause too much discomfort to argue anyway. I have to pretend to be OK to not make anyone notice my discomfort. Then I have listen to all the little BS things that are really unimportant considering my state. I really don't hold anything against my loved ones for this, its just a lack of any ability to know what i'm going through. All they can see is how I am acting and it looks lazy, mean, unresponsible and uncaring. Its not considered with empathy because it just looks like a bad attitude. It is my hope that what I am enduring will make me stronger in the long run. Its hard to gain the positive now. I can't help feelings of sel hatred even though I know its not my fault. I would really like to just snap out of it. I have to justify my actions and behaviors to myself which isn't easy. I appear pathetic to myself as well. I constantly wonder if I am being just a baby and my suffering is manufactured. I wonder if my whining and self pitty is just to feed my over blown self-apreciating imagination. After all, surely there are many who suffer much worse and deal with it. Now just out of it though, its fresh in mind and the extreme difference in my happiness with the meds as opposed to without is indescribable. It is a matter of being happy loving life or waiting for death as an only hope for peace It is dreadful now to thiink about the possiblity of not being able to have this beautiful life because I dont have or cant get these meds. My life will always be vulnerable this way. This is also rather demoralizing. I will be getting things together and moving in a positive direction, then I get leveled. I don't know if I can keep building this house on sand. It is also very taxing on my sense of goodness to be a lying sneak to have my normal happiness. It makes me very angry to think this is not the real me but a cover of that awful thing I just witnessed. The truth is that this is the real me or atleast the closest thing to it. I seem to not have sympathy for myself and I have to make a point to not be overly angry at myself. I must realize the me on amphetamines, is the me of life and without is the me thats dead alive. Its hard to keep considering that without feeling like I am just spoiled me me me boy. Ii still hope and pray to Jesus that somehow, someway my health will be revived and I wont need the lie of a drug to be a happy and good person. I also hope and pray I am not hiding from a wasted life that is true for me to endure, for even that would be acceptable so to not lose peace for eternity ___________________________________

1/27/05 So I walk again, slowly opening my eyes. The stillness of everything is not true anymore. The world wears a veil. The numbness is nice. I feel a bit arrogant though. I know just how powerless I am, but its almost like I cant let myself enjoy anything anymore. To laugh or play games is disrespectful to God somehow. The truth is that I do owe every minute to God for the blessings I have. Its kind of sickening how this works. The more suffering go through is the more I give to God, so to take to joy and want not to suffer seems to be turning away from God. I want to give my life to God, but becoming a slave in misery would not be love or a return on the investment in me. Atleast this is my excuse. I have become all consumed, anyway. The pull that is in me requires nurishment constantly. This has led me to very much so devote all energy to the will of God or atleast to the surrendering of my will. This is ever so pleasing to me. I never imagined myself working or devoting myself to anything in such a way. A faith in God is also everything that I always wanted. I was so lost though, so far away, so troubled. I seem to have come to God in the most absurd way. I ran Hell on earth, told God I didn't need him, fell into dispair, still to proud to turn , and tried to end it all. I gave a half assesd attempt at suicide and did so in the pretense that I was helping others and God. This was by far my most cowardly or atleast my stuppidest misthinking. The truth is that I may have helped others by relieving them of the daily worry of me, but would bringing them the finallity of my death and the hold og guilt and wondering be better. Only God knows what is or was best. God has been gracious to me because I am here. I also have come along to have desires other than my emediate gratification and mostly now have desires of good will and love. I give all credit for this change to God and justly so for I just seem to be riding along while my life is changed piece by piece. I deserved no help and received plenty. All that I really do now is acknowledge Gods grace and it seems to be enough to keep God working into me, working in ways I could not by myself. . However seeing the dark sides of myself, I feel ashamed and its hard to walk with God and be his friend. I have been so awful to God, and carrying my conscious of thist is draining. I know the forgiveness is there, but just being me now is disrespectful. How can I sit here with these thoughts and this lack of charity with all that has been given to me? Even more so everything that has been stripped of me has been just as much a blessing. The guidance and lessons learned are on the pathway of eternity and any bit of this wisdom could keep me from Hell and leed me to Heaven . Someday I will see the grace given and all the chances thrown away through the years. I fear the shame of it all. How many prayers of others was I fortunate enough to receive. How little did they know about what I deserved. Do I really deserve this opportunity in life? No, I don't but given another day I must believe there is a reason why. Well I suppose I must forget about all that and do evrything that I can now. I try but the fear I have lays as much in the past as the future. I have stumbbled through the darkness and then all of the sudden the light is on. Its horrifying to look back and see the monsters and dangers that I was dancing with in the night. So the light is on, but now I see I am the monster, and this doesnt wash easy. Seems as if pulling out the teeth of a shark does very little, more teeth grow in their place. So I have just become resigned to learning not to bite, trying not to bite, and feeling horrible that I do bite. ----------------------------------------