found out on 3/18/05, the "boyfriend" decided not to tell me some important information about his life. i guess we're over now....=( ...but im going to wait it out a little longer.... it breaks my heart...

to see myself bleed, that's the satisfaction i need to reassure myself that i'm hurting. hurting both inside and out..mentally, emotionally, and physically...to know it's reality. cutting and scraping have become all too familiar to me. they have become my best friends during the worse of times. they've always helped out...relieving "the tension and the terror". but their friendship and connection have kept some angry at me...but most of all, kept them extremely worried. it's an addiction...something you try so hard to stop....but always end up relapsing. the scars act as reminders of pain you've felt, but could do nothing about. and at times..they embarrass you...and they backstab you....by trying to help you feel better, but later on showing how inferior, vulnerable, weak, and pathetic you really are....cutting is a real friend.

i hate...and i repeat..i HATE....when people IM you or call you and then expect YOU to carry on with the conversation like YOU started it. i HATE when they say "why are you being so quiet..so silent..not talking to me", or whatever other version of it you can think of. it's like..you IMed me first, you dialed my number first...why must i be the one singled out as being the destroyer of the "conversation" that really never existed...and wouldn't have the chance to if it wasn't for me! why is it so hard for people to use the brains in their heads to understand how things logically work. it's not rocket science. put two and two together. THINK THINK THINK! hypocrites, inconsiderate people, rude, and just everything else you can think.....those type of people...do not..and i repeat..DO NOT talk to me unless you have throroughly processed any thought that you are about to share...thank you very much!

it's funny how a mouthful of metal can be both awesome and yet so annoying. it's funny that im even writing about such a thing. the braces rub against the inside of my mouth...leaving little indentations that cause pain with even the slightest graze of the tongue. how unattractive the sores are...but how cute the braces, itself, work. i've been able to grow my nails since this life changing event has happened. i guess old habits can die..and so will this entry on such a weird topic...

and they say optimism gets you places. not all the time, my dears. if you meet the "right" person, the holder of misery, they know how to ruin it all for you without the tinyest bit of remorse or consideration for their actions. immaturity gets you no where, but yet it's everywhere. it spreads amongst us..hidden within the souls of coldhearted individuals. waiting to pounce on the vulnerable, to claim its next victim. and with every action and decision it makes, leaves a trail of the most idiotic specimens of crap you can think of. "reality bites".

...the agony pursues you. and you're helpless and confused. a sundry of emotions consume your mind and eat away at your brain. you stall the pain by pulling at your hair, until your hands free from your head with several locks intertwined within your fingers. your eyes squint, your teeth grind..you tell the variations of your voice in your head, to stop talking. but they're stubborn like yourself, hard of listening. your last resort is the easy way out. your solution becomes your problem. a domino effect takes control of your life. and you become the introverted individual you always knew you were. you've lost every battle set before you. but your defeat is your ammunition. it has become your best friend, embedded within your veins..the juice in your blood, but diminishing gradually with every cut of the wrist. save me...help me....cure me...

since my break has started, it seems as though i've lost the meaning of life. no routine to abide by now until the cycle starts up once again. still trying to understand my relationship 6 and a half months into it has been one of the biggest struggles. worries always cross my mind like sex does on a guy's, and even some girls who lie about it. sometimes you can't sleep and at others you can't breathe. racing to beat the clock has become a major priority. and all you have left are the bottles of beer you dont drink, the cigs. you dont smoke...and the people who could care less about you and your sorry ass...