wow. i went to nanaimo with andy today, we did some stuff. I bought a calander and the new elliot smith cd. he is so talented. wow. i got new mittens because i forgot mine at home and my hands were so cold. the transit company should really consider heated seats. or atleast heated air. save a cow, eat a vegetarian.

i'm into the song running to stand still by U2. gettin' caught up in the christmas craze tomorrow, going shopping for gifts. should be fun, my heart's yearning is coming. connection. god is good today. as always. hallelujah.

it thought about how every time he looks at me my heart curls up and falls numb how when i think about him.., i cringe and wonder what it is. how i haven't been this happy in years, but is it worth it? all guys want is sex. thats what my mom always says. could he be any different? i think of how immature he can be and i know he's not normally like that. he's just awquard around me. i wonder what he likes, because he doesn't know me at all. no one knows me really. there are so many dimensions to me. he doesnt know that i would rather read a book. and that i write a whole damn lot. he doesn't know that i'd rather eat garlic than kraft dinner and i'd rather go backpacking in nepal over sunbathing in hawaii. he doesnt know that i could write the night away and that i still remember the way that child looked up at me like no one has before. he doesn't know i would much rather sit in a coffee shop or on a beach or in the forest or on the train tracks or on a couch or on a dock or on a mountain or on a street than in a stupid movie theatre or mall. there's a lot more to me than i let on. he doesn't know that sometimes i cry, not because i'm discontent, but just beacuse i wish i was sad. he doens't know that i think he's so much greater than i could ever be and one day, i want to be the mom who plays mozart for her unborn child. there's so much he doesn't know. he doesn't know that i think acoustic sounds better and i think that holding doors open is romantic. i also think shivering is romantic and the touch of flesh against bones. he doesn't know that he could tickle my collar bones night after night and i would shut my eyes in disbelief at the emotion. he doesn't know that when my nana passed away, i sat there but didn't cry. he doesn't know that when my grampa passed away, i wouldn't kiss his cold face. he doesn't know that i hate my stepmom and my dad needs to grow up. he doesn't know that i'm scared of him touching me and i shake in my seat when i think of him thinking of me. he doesn't know that excellent shriling voice that i find erotic. he doens't know that moths are the scariest creature god ever created and he doens't know that i like the way teal clashes with burgandy so melodically. he doens't know that rhododendroms are my favourite along with sunflowers and homegrown roses with baby's breath and those beautiful lilies that remind me of her. he doens't know that i wish i could scribble all over the wall pictures of birds doing everything imaginable. he doens't know that i could be content with him every waking second of the day. and that his energy is enough to send shivers down my spine. how he doesn't know about scarves and mittens and fire. he doesn't know how when i was a child, i fell of a bike and that's why my knees are so sensitive. he doesn't know that i find depression exotic and i find emotion useless. i am attracted to sad people. he doens't know that i wish my eyes were darker than the night or that i wish my face was paler than the moon. he doesn't know that perfume makes me gag and i would rather you were scrawny than fake. he doens't know that there's a lot about me. he doesn't know that sometimes i want to cry but i dont want the world to cry with me. and i dont know what to say a lot of the time but i just want people to leave me alone. he doesn't know that i do things so people will look at me because i like that attention and i like that love. he doesn't know that i crave for people to talk to me, but i hate having to talk back.

hello again i got up early because i had to babysit, and i got to their house and the lady told me she forgot to call and cancel. i could still be sleeping... ... watched the passion of the christ last night. god is so good. my body was shaking. listening to juliana theory at this point. moments is a beautiful song. his voice is so melodic. "and all the little children lost their minds and sang along"

listening to a lot of red house painters today. it's beautiful. im sick but i can still see beauty in this guy's work.