or maybe this sadness is just alcohol withdrawl?

i'mtrying to become happier, but it seems i function with some allotment of social interactions per week? month? however long, and at renn fayre i exceeded that. did i build myself to be this way? i don't understand why i can't find myself willing to leave my room anymore i fear the outside now and i stay inside, dreaming of talking to others these daydreams are killing me. i can't help it, i want to trust someone i want someone to depend on i'd like someone to cuddle with. i hate knowing it is me i hate knowing what is wrong with me and wanting to change it i can't change, after all these years i am still the same, i have only built structures for predermined events no skills, nothing acquired a fragile stupid thing.

Another crisis moment, i hate being gay i hate being shy i hate myself. i don't understand how i can't be myself completely with any one friend because any aspect of me will be hated i can't help but be an idiot at these talking things, meeting people i wish i could, i so wish i could i don't want to live alone but i can't help it i can't be anything other than self-reliant but that means that i can't function with another and i'll never be fufilled or happy