selfish, arrogant thoughts. i don't know why i feel hurt when not included. i really like individual friendships; i cannot find those here.yes, people like me. but i am replacable. take me away for a week, no one would have noticed. o, maybe katherine. but she hurts me too, and i don't think she really likes me as a person. kevin, yes, perhaps. but we were never close. sonia, yeah, but i'm not particularly special. i know i am not that special to jade. or at least i feel that. i can go a week without talking and she would not notice. i don't know why this loneliness. i feel so distant, when did i ever feel warm here. how did i. i'm ruining my body. i'm ruining my mind, my relationships, my future. what the fuck am i doing. why am i doing this. i don't understand my actions. i thought i knew myself well. -- i also do not understand how i cannot be so lonely. i thought myself intelligent, nice, funny, attractive. but i guess the first thing people look for everywhere, even here, is the initiation. people are lazy, they find no need to look at the people closely, or start something. i think i just need to find someone to be close with

am i in a class of my own? none like me; never will find companionship. oh thinking too much. it will happen. hopefully.

and now what of zach? it is happening again; small obsession it will end with nothing aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how many months has it been since anything real? or years? lame