such large groups . . . depressing. never talk, never do. thinking what to do. i hate trying to please. i try too much. and thinking other people hate me. i feel like no one understands me. typical teenager cliche. no one does, though. i feel sad. i kind of want to cry. i dont know what to do or feel just now. i kind of just want someone to hug and sleep next to. hmm stupid relationships. i want one just because i feel insecure with myself and i want someone to know me because it's like no one does and i dont feel safe with anyone. i dont want to be laughed at or hated behind my back. i want to get rid of this feeling so badly.

i need a way to get my sexual frustrations out maybe thats why my mental abilitiles have dwindled. i need to think of other things but i'm scared of myself because i know how easily i can hurt people and how i dont think of anything in the moment or i think too much and dont do anything i should have talked to those people at scholastic bowl and these people are getting boring but then i think that's why im boring too and i wont be anything anywhere but i cant stand being alone so i dont know what to do if i cant get along my mentality is nothing. i havent read enough or well enough, i have not thought scientifically enough, my hand not fit for words, drawings, music. i mean nothing. i dont know if i can change myself but i really want to