I like how I don't care about how I feel, just as long as other people are happy. to go out of my way and try and try to get other people happy even if it makes me feel like shit and even if it means that when i want to do something to make myself happy, i can't because i need to place others first. and it just feels so great that when they get any oppertunity to choose their happiness or mine...they choose their own. because you know how everyone cares only about themselves.

Mike would not be good for me. Selfishness he has. Anyone selfish I cannot stand. He's dependant He has irrational emotion. Obviously, we are not a match.

today i wanted to cry. what is love do i love him that would be ridiculous but love IS irrational ugggh. i want to die. at every stopsign i would start daydreaming about kissing him just a small peck under the mist, under the light, under the beautiful blue it would have been perfect he does not like me like that i doubt i'm even a friend. he feels an obligation i hate that. isthis friendship an obligation i want to cry at the thought someone being like that just because they feel they should and he's fully capable of it. i'm so scared. i don't know what's going to happen. but then, i do we'll talk less and less. none after he pays me back. [idreadtheday] he'll talk to jessica a lot and i become a shadow, a blur in his memory that nice guy that bought me my violin who was nice enoguh to care... who listened to his every word idontwanttolovehim lovelovelove. arbitrary. it's just sex hormones that one scene implanted in my head that pose it made me want to... i can't even say it. i want to hug him once more. just once, please. a goodbye of sorts. a summary of the whole fucking thing in a hug. i wish i lived in the parallel universe where he liked me where he might like me, hug me, kiss me, maybe and instead of driving around nowhere we end up at a park or some obscure place and lay beside one another and look at the stars and talk about lights and nothingness. &a final hug. and an innocent kiss. i would kill for that. maybe not him, just the thought of it with someone i would love do i want someone to love? fuckthat.fuckfuckfuck. i don't want to be that person meaningless sex empty stares no thought. ihatemymind.

i fear seeing jessica tomorrow and/or mike.

iwanttogoiwanttogoiwanttogoiwantogo. mikeee. fuckhim. i hate it. i hate this. i hate last last year ruined my esteem any confidense michelle &adam those two tragedies repeating themselves over andoverandoverandover i cant ask people out because they'll be fearful of me i hate fear i dont want to cause fear...disgust...disinterest when it could be a good friendship. the thing i want is to hug him and stargaze with him ...Is he a stargazer?

grr he captivates me. i think about him too much.. why did he hug me. i hate hugs most of the time. why did that one feel warm. today i didnt feel great at all so many times i wanted to run away or just cry &&&yet he made me want to hug him all day. i dont want to admit it. if i knew he'd let me or that he wouldnt mind i'd do it. i'd live in his arms. i hate it. i hate saying that. i know why. i dont want this to be an adam. i dont want to fall. hes such a good friend but hed never like me like that and i need to get over it fast. i dont know what to do. i just need to shut up i hate these times. it just reminds me that theres no one i can really talk to. its just myself. i want to talk about him for hours and hours and i know i can, but theres no one who'd be interested. i hate my emotions. i wish i could practice stoicism. i want to die.