why do i always care more for people than they do for me? i wish i'd know what they really thought...i know jen doesn't really like being my friend. she really wants me to separate from her.. i know it. am i just there because she doesnt want to be alone? would she drop me easily? jessica hurts me so much. and i don't stand out for her...i'm..just someone else. i almost know that she doesn't consider me a real friend. who else? there's no one in real life. and even online...ahra doesn't like getting into emotional things..gary..jose..who?! i've always been alone. and i'll always be. why can't i find someone to love? someone to hang out with whenever..someone to talk to. i hate myself so badly right now. i really want to cry. i want to sit and look outside and cry. i'm a failure at life..at living everywhere i go, i'll be alone another figure to everyone and nothing more.

i know it. when i get older when i'm alone i know i'm not going to find friends. i know im going to be alone. im so afraid of it. i'm going to sleep with people i'll just be so alone.. no one else would like me anyways...i'll just be another fuck to get affection from anyone. and i'll hate myself for it.

i have to come to the ultimate realization that i have no friends. i have no one. seriously.. who? there's no one hat really actually cares.i really want to find anyone who asks me how i'm feeling and waits for my responce. i'm selfish.

i hate it. hes obviously not smart...he's an idiot.. why does he have it sooo easy. best grades. straight a's. defensive friends..popularity...affection.. he has everything im jealous..incredibly so.. i want to have those things any action seems inept though i have to WORK to get my grades at a good mark. my friends aren't as devoted..although i know i love them. i really do... i would cry if i hurt them. i almost cry when they themselves are hurt. im lucky to have them, even if i do care more for them, than they for me. and he also has a girlfriend..several admirers. endless suitors. 2 lovers. how can he cry out that no one likes him, when there are clearly so many people that do.. ha. i wonder what it feels like. to have so many people like you like that.i cant even get many people to like me as a friend.. i wonder if it feels good. to know you're liked. to know you're someone to somebody.. i want to feel needed. hes so lucky. idont get it when he says hes depressed or lonely. i just wish i could act as i dream. imagine me..with roberto. going up to him. talking. befriending. later on..hanging out. friends. perhaps lovers. just one night under the stars with no one else around. the perfect kiss. the warmth of ourselves. and no more. no sex. no making out. just one kiss...i would do anything to be able to do that. i hate my self sometimes, for being so stupid