I'm so confused. I know I'm probably going to break up with him. I have extreme doubts. He's nice &all, but the more I think, the more I'm willing to break it off. He's selfish. He's mean to my friends. Incredibly self-ivolved. I remember I once said I was the talker. Now that he has accustomed to me, he talks much more. I can never share my thoughts, my feelings, or anything. Even if I am voicing something, it can never really be what is on my mind. I absolutely love talking about philosophy..psychology..analytical things. He cannot talk about these subjects. He's intelligent, but he cannot apply it to life. &I ask myself, "Is this what a boyfriend is for?" Am I prejiduced? Are boyfriends just there for sentiment? I may be a romantic, but aren't they there for deep conversation? To have conversation that enriches the mind? He cannot satisfy that one urge in me. He's there to listen..he says nothing. He cannot help. Even when I am asked for help, and I know not what to speak, I know how to make the other person realize what they need to do. &Yet I feel guilty. He likes me so much, and my emotion is being drained away. He said I was the first boyfriend he has that was "good." I would feel terrible if I crushed him. I cannot..hurt..anyone. It's not in my nature. He did nothing to me; why should I make him feel so terrible?

I feel so disappointing. he's just better. for the sake of my esteem i tried to find one good thing i can do. he's just...better smarter more artistic better grades better friends more interesting life better parents much better looking. hes too good for me &im going to depress myself with this.

oh i feel so confused. does he like me? he says he does. i believe him.. im so sad....i want to meet him. he's probably the only person that i like that likes me back. i don't know if i'll meet him. it's the one thing i want to do most right now. jen'll probably say its stupid; i'd better not mention it to her. he's so nice. he's sweet. but not too sweet. hes not a fag. hes smart. hes fun. he makes me smile..so much more than anyone else. hes not a whore. he doesn't cheat. he doesnt drink, or smoke, or do drugs. hes shy but outgoing too. hes does what he feels like. hes not sensative, but not all tough either. it just seems too perfect... he's everything im looking for in a person. i would love to hold him. he's been through so much bad. i want to be there for him. if he ever cries, i want to be there so he can cry on my shoulder. i want to be the wall he leans on, i want to be his consort. i just want to be with him. but all of this...a friend or a boyfriend? he seems like he would be one hell of a friend. a stable one. why would i want to fucking risk that potential. i dont know if he likes me in that real way he keeps talking about how ill find someone eventually. what if i already did? what if it's him i'd scare him off...if i did that i couldn't forgive myself. this can't be another adam. i want this to be right. but i want to take a risk. i can still remember shaking when i told him i liked him. i remember how happy i felt when he said he liked me too. he said he did feel that way. he thought i was just wanting to be friends. he didnt want to say anything. is he like me? ugh. i need to look way past this. just let it be. although i have a feeling we're going to meet up soon. we live not 30 minutes from each other. we both don't have lives. i hope we do. i want to know what it's like when a guy hugs you. i want to feel warm... ---- and why does adam still ask about me? even now? does he think that maybe im the friend that could've been? we were good friends. he liked me. why did i have to go and fucking ruin it. i feel retarded.

&Another one closes. Kristin & Michelle are gone... I shouldn't be myself, I guess. So, it never really meant a thing..