I feel so fucking useless. It's stupid to require my friends to give me things, but all I got was a book of Emo Poetry. This fucking sucks I didnt even get a Merry christmas or anything. god. I am not doing anything anymore. If i dont deserve presents in the first place, then im going to fucking not do anything at all. im there for their depression, but not the halcyon days. im there when they need someone to talk to, but when i need it, no one's lsitening. or they say they do, but how does it get BACK TO THEM. i never fucking do that. i always stay on topic. i say things. if im there i hug you, and no one does anything to me. how much of a fucking loser am i?! myfriends dont care, exempt Jen. I hate doing all these things for them. i am not a servent...i wasnt meant to attend to you. why cant i be on my own? why cant i leave them alone? i have to be there...

Seriously, what is with that. He always walks the closest he can to the lockers. one day he's going to grope me. :] but why does he look pissed at me when he's with people, but alone he looks at me with a smile? i wish he were gay. what are the chances of that happening? even if he was, im too apprehensive to say anything to him. it's sad really. i think i rely on him smile and heavenly looks to get me happy. it's like a drug. he lifts me up from the mundane and takes me to heights of euphoria and halcyon days. im exaggerating. but when he touches me, it's like his hand pulled me from the brink of the abyss of depression. His dreams are an escape. ----- all this for a person i dont know. how fucking moronic is that? im a fucking loser. shithead. hes just a stranger. for all i know hes the biggest fucking idiot ever and he'd make my life a living hell. i should get out of the fucking dreamworld and step into the shithole that is reality. how am i supposed to fucking meet anyone if i wont fucking speak. fucking idiot. gawd, why cant i talk. its fucking adam's fault. he made me apprehensive to talk to boys ever fucking again. maybe its my fucking fault for being so dependant. now im relying on ryans fucking talk to get my confidence with guys higher. guys are fucking idiots. can you imagine what gym would be like? a fucking mess. im going to be fucking lonely, in the same fucking class as shittards like jose and adam. gawd. and alex. that fucking poser. just because i talk to sam. im not fucking emo. sometimes i can get weird, but whatever. we talked so fucking much, and all of a sudden he fucking avoids me like im going to fucking hit on him. maybe they all have reasons. i wouldnt want to hang around the fag. in all honesty, would i have not done the same as adam, or alex, or jessica, or any of those people. no, what they have done is not good enough. they are all fucking retards. i am arrogant, they are too. its the way it works. and its best if i leave. i want to leave this "dogville" of my own, and go to places where the world is a little better. i hate comparing myself to Grace. i deserve this. i get what's coming to me. i deserve to get treated like shit, but then bought back by superficial. its ok that no one really CARES about me. how come people can come to me, and im obliged to listen, yet if im sad, yea its not their problem. is there some kind of flaw in these friendships? is nothing mutual?

Why he might like me -He's been looking at me a lot. -He bumps into me a lot while I'm at my locker. -He smiled at me that one time although that might not have been me. Why he wouldn't -He looks away when he notices me. -He almost pushed me out of the way after school. -He's mexican. and far too attractive. -I'm me. -Yeah, I wouldn't say he takes notice of me. eh.