late at night i sometimes am searching through my mind, gradually settling down for sleep, searching through my files for a dream, and the image of my father will appear, and once again i ill feel that utter and painful emptiness... he is gone. how can he just be gone? just like that? nobody understands it - nobody in my realm of communication anyway. but it hurts that he's gone from my life forever - at least in a way that i can touch, have conversations with... i miss him. i miss him so much. "and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." i am currently sitting in the Coffeehouse, which is not too far from my dorm, trying to get some assignments closer to finished, or at least more than just began. or is it begun? there is no "have" so I think it is began but it sounds so strange. i am eating chocolate cake and it was only a minute ago they stopped playing (on the speakers) a wonderful succession of beatles songs. maybe they're still going but quieter now. i love water. and i appreciate water. clean, pure, delicious water. this winter i am going to be in chicago for my birthday and chanuka, then i am leaving with eran for a trip on amtrak to washington and northern california. i have never been to california before. i will finally get to see san francisco. and more, of course. i can't wait. i'm not sure what ti is i want right now in my life, though, other than this quick trip to the northwest. do i want to be here next semester? my heart and soul seem to eb laying out hints for me telling m that i must be somewhere else, but where would i be better off?

October 27... a Friday like any other... escept for the ghouls lurking the streets and homes of our loved ones! I was a "1970s mod girl" according to the costume boax but everyone thought I was either a go-go dancer or a character from Austin Powers. either way, I looked hot! I was having an awesome time for a while, socializing freely and gulping down beer freely.. at one point, I paid andrew for a shot of some kind of hard liquor, and it was a very big shot... and I think that's what hit me so hard. But I still had control over myself. Continually flirting with Andrew, he actually dared to kiss me at one point, which most certainly was daring, and we contiued kissing, then we ended up in his room having incredible and freaky oral sex. and more. Afterards, we both said, "Wow, I've never done THAT before!" in the most positive of ways. anyway he kindly asked me to please tay the night and cuddle with him, so I did, though I htink we may speak a different language of romantics and proper manners, and I wonder now f he did this because he thought if he didn't it would be wrong.. and perhaps he actually had little real interest in me. Well, I feared the morning, when we would be hungover and look at each other and wonder what would hapen next, but i twasn't so bad. he gave me a massage and then I gave him one, we listened to the soundtrack for "O Brother Where Art Thou" which I coincidentally love, and we had some wonderful conversations... Then he dove me home in the afternoon and asked me if i would hang out with him on Wednesday, go to that tea shop I always talk about & love, and then when I tried to leave the car we kept kissing.. it really as lovely, i won't lie. But i am very distrusting of males. especially drunk ones. We shall see where this goes.

It's been almost a month since you broke it, and I'm still so far from over it.

Well, well, well, I guess I'm not asexual. I fell in love a while back. I still am. Live in reality, kids. Believe me, it may be harsh, but it feels good. as I listen to Jefferson Airplane...

I have the option of having yet another online journal. Well, since you bothered coming here to read this, whoever you are, know this: I am julia, I am a teenage female as of this moment, I live in the city of Chicago, I probably will end up going to an art college, I love making art in many forms, sometimes I believe I am asexual, I have very unnaturally red hair, I have low blood pressure so my hands and feet are always cold unless the temperature outside (or inside) is really really warm, I love humanity, and once in a while, I get mad at myself.