and i've never felt as shitty as i do right now.

i cant believe his girl friend just called me. i had to tell her EVERYTHING. about the night i slept at his place after his gig. about what i was really doing there on wednesday night. about the lies he tells her, the things he says to me. i helped her realize who he really is. i cant believe i actually had to tell her everything, i feel so guilty about hurting her. but she had to know. and this is the way things have to be. he has to learn his lesson. and after she goes over there and kicks his ass like i did, i want to know one thing of him: were the lies worth it? you've lost both of us, buddy. and i hope it hurts.

so, on friday i was sitting with my good friend annese outside in the school parking lot, smoking cigarettes and talking. we've been joking around for a while about hooking up, and i'd thought about it seriously, but never considered that she might not be joking. until she told me. so now we're giving us a shot. i know i like her, i know she's my type, but i also know im not a lesbian. or maybe this is just the time in my life when i'm supposed to figure this out. or maybe i'm so fed up with guys that i just need a change, a break from all that drama. i cant see her as bringing a lot of problems. shes had both girlfriends and boyfriends before, so shes been through this, but i havent, and she told me any time i was weirded out or had changed my mind to let her know. so i dont feel like anything could be permanently damaged, because i know that if things dont work out, well still be good friends. so, here we go....

we had an amazing night last night. you held me so tight, we laughed, i had such bad deja vu of the ataris concert last year. when they played like the angel, i intertwined our fingers, but you undid them. that was my wake up call. i dont mean anything to you anymore. not even during our song. but later, u did the same, and i undid them, twice. what are you trying to do? i know im over analyzing, but i know you. after all this time, i still know you so well, maybe even better than before. and i know that you overanalyze just as much as i do. and i know what you're doing. you dont want me. you just want me to want you. because your confidence is low, and you like to have girls after you. keeps you happy. im not going to though. i wont give you the satisfaction. you dont deserve it. you are selfish. the whole time, i thought i meant something to you. but i was wrong. i really was your slut on the side. maybe not at first, but after a while, it just evolved into a sleazy affair. i let it go on for too long, and you broke my heart in the end. i spent too much time crying over you. i wont let it happen again. i wont let you get to me. when swing life away came on, i laid my head down on your chest, and felt so comfortable. im such a fool. im so hopeless.