...and automatic guns for automatic boys. My sex life flourishes, while my love life fails. Both would be nice. Someone please come sweep me off my feet so I can stop this "playing the field" bullshit.

There once was a room. Just a room, floating in nothingness, nothingness without end. The floor was it's backbone, strong and vital. The 2 walls on each side flutter like paper in a strong wind. They're held to the floor by glue. Nails are rarely found to repare it. It only took one gust of wind, and that was the end. Both walls blew away into this dark nothingness. The only thing left is the floor, floating all alone. It will be there forever. This floor never breaks. Unfortunately walls do. Leaving its friend behind. At least the floor still exists. In the end, that's all the matters.

I no longer feel the need to speak. I have the mindset that if I know what I think than that's all that matters. I no longer care about telling people anything about anything. I'm the only person that matters in my life. I went to the tea lounge tonight. I can seriously sit in that place for hours on end. All I did was stare into space. I knew Kayla was sitting next to me, but I was enjoying myself too much to care about her. After about 4 pots of tea we left. I don't even remember the drive home. We were listening to Canyon. Kayla talked on the phone most of the time about being drunk. It was stupid. Before I knew it I was at her house. Let her out, barely saying goodbye. I drove 40 all the way home. There were a ton of dear in this field. I sat for a while and watched them for a bit. Then I took the backway home. It's more fun to drive. A lot of turns and hills. It was peaceful. The moon was bright and I felt cozy and safe. I could've driven all night. Now I'm in bed. Sitting on the computer and listening to music. Lovedrug to be exact. I'm feeling nothing. Not happy, not sad, nothing. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather be this way than my normal emotional self. Once again...nothing makes sense, and I will never make any sense of my life. No one makes any sense at all. Making sense is not real.

It's Saturday night. Not a normal Saturday. I'm feeling strange. It's like there's this force pushing against me. Listening to the music that moves me, has moved me today much more than it ever has before. Today I drove faster and faster with each track. The lines on the highway blurred together and the snow around me was just a white void. I honestly didn't care where I went in that car. I just went, no feeling at all. As I sat at dinner with Carrie, I felt no need to speak. I didn't care to entertain. I was content sitting and eating. We said our goodbyes. Usually on a Saturday night I'd ask if she'd like to go out for tea. Tonight I wanted to be alone. As I was driving home in the same manner I went, I was writing this play in my head. When I entered my door it was gone. Since then I've been laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to music, writing uncontrolable thoughts that make no sense. Now I'm typing a bunch of random thoughts that make no sense. God, if I could make sense of things I wouldn't have a care in the world. It seems to me that no one has ever made sense of anything. I'm falling in love too easily. It's been so long since I've had someone constant to tell me they love me. I miss knowing the love I give is received. Kiel is always on my mind. Just one night was enough to give me those butterflies. Unfortunately I don't think anything will materialize. I'm not prepared to cross that river now. Steve...he is definately the most depressing chapter of my life. I believe it came to a close Monday night. I can't just leave things. Especially when they feel so unfinished. We've both done wrong, but we've both done right. Our love is(was) unconditional. I know I can never forget him. To me it seems like yesterday and always will. I can honestly say I don't know what he thinks of me, but I will always think the galaxy of him. Someday I hope that all our stars will spiral towards the middle forming a connection between us. For now I'm left drowning. Not knowing my fate. Time to take a shot of my favorite friend and retire for the night.

I'm no longer that selfless girl hoping someday the boy I've wasted so much time trying to please, will come around. He is gone. It's a relief. I've shed my skin once again. This time the colors are brighter than ever. It's time to live again.