didnt go to school thursday. that track thing was still going on so i didnt bother to go. had kendra round at about 1 or 2 skyped with paul for a bit, then with liam , which took up my whole day really. forget what i did that night. i probably just chilled. friday i woke up, ate my daily granola bar as usual. got ready for school, picked stacey up at around 8:40. then went to school. i had social studies and math, but i forget what order they went in. forget what we did in those classes. next was break. just walked around the halls like usual with kendra. talked to a few people.. etc. had art after that which was cool. arts fun now, that its gettin close to grad. we paint a lot of crap for it and stuffs. we're having this thing at the grad called like 'art for sale'. theyre gonna be priced like 25, 000 francs. so then every child thats graduating is going to make this thing in a frame, with a picture inside. since i cant draw, i asked mrs vey if i could just make a collage from my guitar world mag. i traced the frame thing, and im painting it purple, green, yellow, orange and black. each colour reflects one part of me. the bright colours just in general reflect my personality. im a bubbly person. and the black reflects my stylish/music. i dunno. i think its cool. then was lunch after art. where did i go? oh right. i went to kendras. we just chilled, ate pizza and watched much music like always. got ready at around 1ish. thought we were gonna be late cause we didnt leave till 20 after. but we got there on time. we had science first, had a load of sheets to complete for homework, i know i brought my text book home, but where did i put it? i got home at like 6 that day and i layed it down and went right out... i forget where i left it. anyway, if i find it im gonna have to do those sheets. we had english last :-) we wrote down this crap of literary and figurative poo. i dunno. and all this like metahors.. etc. i forget how to spell the rest. at around 3 we read romeo and juliet. we only read like 2 scenes, or maybe it was like 1 and a half. i dunno, i didnt have that many parts. meh. after school kendras papa picked us up. we went to wal-mart because he bought Phantom Of The Opera for her. after that he treated us both to a subway, which was sooo good. losers didnt put enough mayo though. kendra thinks its sick, i like it when my sub is drowned in mayo... meh. oh well. after that we went tanning. ive gone like 6 or 7 times, im not noticing MUCH of a difference, but i do look a bit darker. we went back to kendras for a bit. watched her pack for Bridgetown. *sobs*. mom came round uhh... 5:45 ish. had a long goodbye with kendra. this was like our 'practice goodbye' for when she goes to Calgary. i hate even talking about it. 2 weeks without her. shizzz. ill survive i guess. ill have paul... for like 2 days after she leaves. so yeah she went to bridgetown to see emma, she'll be back tomorrow though. it was so weird not bein at her house this weekend. i swear our goodbye was like 5 minutes. we hugged, i walked a bit down the steps, she was walkin into the house, we'd look back at eachother, then run and hug again. that happened like 5 times. then her mom came home while we were sayin goodbye, and she gave me a hug lol. that was cool. so then i left. its gonna suck cause kendra leaves for calgary on the 24th of june, at like 5 in the morning. so i have to say goodbye to her when we leave the grad. ill cry no doubt. 2 goodbyes in the same week. her then paul . baaaaaaaah. so when i got home from her house, i rang stacey cause she had rang me up i guess when i wasnt home. so i walked and met up with her and steven. drank a bit... a lot... loads. holy shit. was out till about 930ish because we had to go back to staceys. i was still a bit.. .loaded when i went to her house. i guess yesterday her dad was like 'was michele sick or something last night?" i guess stacey told him i was just tired. i have to admit, i did look horrible. my hair was totally messed. but i had fun. i was in the most huggiest mood EVER. when im drunk i just want to hug anything that moves. so we met up with like amanda, chris (whom i havnt seen in so long since he got expelled) scott, ashley, zane, then ryan and tyler, then dale, sean, tomek and someone else. then we saw megan, jill and kathleen. tomek tried to pretend he didnt know me. ha. silly tomek. im going to have to apologize for my stupid actions to them all on tuesday. mwaha. LOTS of other things happened but i cant really explain them. :) yesterday was just a load of sittin and chillin to music. renaming music... etc. i noticed i have a bruise the size of texas or china on my knee from friday. i might take a piccy later on. yesterday felt like sunday, but it wasnt! it was ony saturday, and today is sunday so today also feels like... sunday. 2 sundays in a row eh. then tomorrow i have off, so tomorrows gonna feel like sunday too!!!! because i have nothing to do. bah. today im doin the same thing as i did yesterday, sittin and chillin. theres no one to talk to either. i might clean my room. ooooo sounds like fun!!!! that wasnt sarcasm either. i love to clean. tomorrow ill probably just do the same thing as today and yesterday. wait for kendra to come home, then go to her dads to spend the night probably. meh. im gonna go. hands are gettin tired. i wonder if this is the longest entry ive done so far? probably a lot of typos since im not really payin any attention. oh well michelee mackiee

April 26th Last night, was one of the worst nights of my life. To say the least. My mind has changed. Now, the worst feeling in the world, is walking into a hospital room, and seeing a close loved one lying there. Dead. It's something only a strong person can do. My second cousin passed away last night. He has battled cancer over the past thirty years, about 5 times. Last year (around this time) he was diagnosed with cancer, just when we thought he was recovering from the last bit. Everything had been going fine. So the doctor tells us he had 6 weeks left. There was no hope. Which put us in the awkward position thinking "oh my god oh my god oh my god. Whats going to happen with Aunt B? I cant believe this, no no no". Which put mum under lots of stress. So, after a while, AFTER those 6 weeks had passed, he was feeling better. But during the summer he was admitted into the hospital for a few weeks. Because his blood counts/haemoglobin was deathly ill. He had an pneumonia and other viruses. The doctor told us then that he wouldnt survive. But shortly after that, he was released. It took some healing time, but after a while, he was back to his old self. Driving, got his hair back, worked on that truck. He didnt have to go for blood for weeks. But... I guess a week ago, things started to get worse. He couldnt talk,he could barely keep straight. I couldn't go see him, not because I wasnt alowd, but because I just couldnt bare to see him in such pain. So, my cousin Pam took him into the hospital yesterday morning, when he made his decision that he didnt want help. He just wanted to die. So all they gave him was morphine. Thats it. I was on my way to guitar, and I remember that I asked him "Hey dad, are you going to the hospital afterwards?" dad says "Im going to take you home first, then go" I told him I wanted to go. I needed to go. If he was in such bad shape, i needed to see him before anything happened. I didnt care. Because I hadnt seen him for a while. And I felt SO bad. So I was at guitar, everything was fine (or so I know). Dad and I get home, walkin up the stairs, my sister comes out and tells us we NEED to go to the hospital because Roy has passed away. My heart felt like it was in my throat. Beating so fast. I almost fainted. I took my things up, then left. On the way to the hospital, I was just thinking how I felt so bad, and how I didnt even go see him hardly when he was in the hospital in the summer. At one point last night, i was crossing the road, and I didnt even care if I got run over. I just went with it. Thats how I felt. I had wished a car would have just come up and hit me. So we got to the hospital. I hate hospitals. They make it look all pretty. BUT IT'S NOT. THERES PEOPLE DEAD, OR SLOWLY DYING, AND THEY JUST MAKE IT LIKE ITS A PLACE FOR AN EFFIN AUCTION!!! WITH THEIR STUPID PAINTINGS ON THE WALL. Anyway. We got up there, I walked into the room, all dark. Mum and Pam were there, surprisingly my mum was doing better then I thought. I knew they wanted to cry, but they were just cracking jokes. My sister started to cry, and so did I. That was the hardest I've cryed since my grandmother passed away. He was just lying there, dead in the hospital bed. Mum told me I didnt have to go to school today. She didnt go to work, nor did dad. I hate deaths. I HATE THEM. FFFUUUUCCCCKKKK. After we left the hospital, we went over to aunt b's. :'(. She was better then we thought she was going to be when we got there, but when pam came in and hugged her, she went hysterical. I couldnt handle it. I just started to cry even more. She was saying things like "WHAT AM I GOING TO DOOOOOOOOO, I MISS HIM I MISS HIM I MISSS HIMM..." it was so sad. So I went outside and returned Julias call (she called while I was in the hospital). A lot of people were at Aunt B's house with us. Mum, dad, sara and I, grammie, andrea, aunt june, anna, and well... aunt b. So around 11:30 or something, dad, sara and i left for home. Mum and Gram got a drive him with Pam around 12:30. I went to bed. I woke up this morning thinking, I shouldnt feel bad. Because he knows I love him. and now God had just makin us happier by taking him where he isnt in the agonizing pain. He has just moved on. Well this means I have a funeral to go to this week. I'm going to lose it. I know I wont be able to handle it. This all seems so surreal. It's way to hard to believe. I've delt with 4 deaths in the past eight years. Some people may think thats a good thing, like thats not a lot of people, but I don't. I'd rather keep my family, and them be well. sigh. I miss everyone. michelee. mackiee