• well yeah the title says it.....sorry jmo. And i love you to death and i guess i don't always show it but i do, and i will always love you no matter what happens to us. Don't every listen to me when i tell you otherwise. so yeah i guess for the actual journally part of this not the i love you mushy jmo *kiss* part. It was weird today i guess the more i think about it, our first day actually quote quote dating.....which isn't true, but i guess being commited to. Doubt it will last honestly but it does make me feel better. Day to day things feel so weird tho, like i was standing by jake and he was like why are you so close to me and i felt just weird like i shouldn't have been. Or hugging other people or moises talking about sticking his hand down my shirt that one day. It just all seemed weird. Maybe i needed that guilt all along. I never thought i put myself out there that much, but maybe i do. I wish i could see myself through someone elses eyes. No matter what people aren't going to tell you everything they think, they couldn't, but there are so many harsh things that come as just first impressions. Alberto is supposed to IM me tonight or somethin, he has my screen name atleast. Doesn't mean he'll really talk to me, oh there goes the commitment thing again. The fact that mayb something could come out of that all that i don't want. But i don't think i've ever felt the way about anyone that i do about jonathan. I mean i didn't know that everything could be this way, i always thought it was overrated. hollywood scamming for an extra penny. But it's not about looks it's not about anything it's this endless emotion that you can't explain. I guess that sums up everything pretty much that i'm thinking, if u care about the rest of my day mayb.....yeah fine you don't but i'll write it still. Moises wanted me to go with him to mcdonalds and i didn't want to for whatever reason. I was so tired tho, like wah, i just wanted to sleep. And all those promises to jonathan and everything it just made sense to me that i didn't want to eat, and that's not any better than anything else, but there was the added guilt like one of those times somethings going ot happen that i don't want to be part of, not sexually, but like everything else that right now i don't want. And i think he's very accepting of that when i'm by myself with him and everythings very different, but when there's other people it can't be all about what i want and stuff and i'm to pathetic to stand up for myself. Especially when it's for what jonathan wants and not necessarily me. I guess yeah that's mostly everything, i'm being depressed and misserble because of my grades again. All for stupid mistakes not because i wasn't capable. And i guess just me in general........does everybody else see their flaws as well as me, i mean wow. it just messes with me so much everything i think of myself. ok yes amanda they get it shut ur mouth now....haha hmmm i like chocolate, tribute to sam, who said i needed to write that. yeah really i have friends....haha or does she really even like me anyway.....no clue, friendliest person i've ever met tho. Nothing is about her just what everyone else needs or wants or just anything to help you out

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