waking up with the lights on
- May 13, 2015
- serenity23
- 4 Comments
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4 Comments
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I hope you are doing okay. I still check your journal from time to time.
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"this is a life and i am only borrowing it for a time i am going to do my best to make it right."
This is one of your sentences, in a previous entry. "Be free of all the pain you hold inside..." -
Try some chamomile tea the next time you feel like doing drugs.
Prayer is also a helpful idea. But it MUST be in the name of Jesus...
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i feel the same way sometimes. life gets harder when the drugs start running out. you're not alone. i hope tomorrow will be better for you.
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I wake up feeling terrified and alone, and the second part is undebatable which makes me accept the first. Terrified. Why? Because I am a writer who doesn't write. i'm a friend who doesnt show. Im a dealer of illness, i am ill, i am ill and im alone and its dark and im scared. I havent ever gotten this far nefore. I know i can turn back, i have to turn back. "You'll be sick" the voice hisses at me. "You need these pills. You'll be in pain". But a few days ago i let someone stick a needle in my arm, and it is only in putting that sentence in words that brings it to life, colors it dark, not an ordinary day. And the saddest part of all i think is that if i hadnt already learned that no one will ever save you, that i could get away with shooting up heroin probably 30 more times before someone would even say something...thats the part that scares me the most. This is your world now go fucking live in it. Pain. Pain casued by degenerated discs and not eating right and doing lots of drugs and hiding like a vampire going only to the chiropractor so i can beg fro tramadol, which i cant even get. I stayed up all night so i wouldnt miss the appointment. I didn't used to need sleep. Now I find myself drifting off waking up from dreams that still seem real. I feel like something bad is about to happen. Mark. Why do you do that? Why do you dip and dash through the pages of my life and we never ever meet so i cant tell if youre reading along or if its all some big sick game. You scare me. You HURT me. I want to scream. it makes no difference. I am utterly and permanently alone. Everytime i try to connect, it gets spit in my face. my faith in the world is at an all time low. and i dont have enough of a place outside it or in it or anywhere not to feel affected. Brian doesnt answer. I am in danger and brian doesnt answer. Is this my life? Am I really signing up for another year of this waste, this recklessness? I suppose I am. Brittany is good at life though. Maybe she can help me, but I sense that I am stronger. Dark overpowers. We can't see clearly to choose and if you never choose inevitably the choice will be made for you. I dont want to hurt her. I dont want to hurt anyone. but hurt people hurt people. i dont know how to take all the pain and turn it into something external that is good, so i swallow it in gulps of sadness, a martyr for nothing and no one, selfishness defined. I am not a good person. I am not extraordinary. I am not immune. I am a drug addict. I am a junkie. I am stuffy and crying and my boyfriend is too busy to call me. i have to move out of my apartment in 12 days. I will be away for 4 of them. I am scared it wont get done. i am scared that it will and brian will hate me. I am lost and no one cares. no one ever fucking cares. thats all im asking for, why is that too much??? Maybe it will be better at kinnection. Ill meet up with Brian, do some k, clear my head and my system out all at once. the scripts will help. I can bring a chair. I can be in pain. I can disappear into the world i used to feel safe in that i realize now is just the real world dressed up in pretty colors with music and some people who are exceptional and some who are sicker than me and this is how we create an identity that disguises it, makes it unrepellent. I have a line of dope left i dont know what to do with. i should save for tomorrow but brian wont talk to me and im scared. and i should get it out of my life. fuck this. i cant write anymore. it used to be beautiful but now my emotions are uncontrollable waves of panic that drown everyone close by which is a good excuse to keep them away. I want to disappear. I havent felt like this in a really long time. Yes, do the heroin. then it will be gone. then no more.