• the snow is beautiful, magnified by the bright winter sun. i crouch down and start packing together white crystals with my bare hands, letting the cold sting. i pack it together until i can start rolling it up the snow-covered hill. i push and push and push and devote my entire attention to this sparkling, increasingly heavy creation. i reach the top of the hill with a gleaming white boulder just up to my hips. i shock my lungs with a sharp gasp of freezing wind as the sun slowly disappears behind thick, grey clouds. i nudge my efforts down the hill as they consume ravenously, growing wildly, rolling wildly. the snow is dirty here from the displaced parking lot slush and it coats and merges with my work. 

• Why the small "i" throughout??

  
  

  I like the concept of the story so far. A few comments if you will. Firstly "I shock my lungs with a sharp gasp of freezing wind ..." as the sharp, freezing order just doesn't work.

  
  

  Also just write "thick grey clouds", no comma required.

  
  

  I also think you could think of something better after "as they consume", as more and more ... just doesn't fit the pattern of the rest of the story (sounds like you got bored or ran out of descriptive words here).

  
  

  Otherwise all good and await the next installment

  sokornyon March 26, 2015   Link

  • 2 Replies Log in to reply
    
      There was an error.

    thanks for the tips! i'll accept all of your suggestions except i like the way small "i" looks. :)

    RosesAtSunseton March 30, 2015  

    oh but I looked up the punctuation rules for the "thick, grey clouds" and it actually gets a comma because the two adjectives are interchangeable in order. thanks though! I changed the other two since you're right it didn't flow well

    RosesAtSunseton March 30, 2015  

Log in now to tell us what you think this song means.

Don’t have an account? Create an account with SongMeanings to post comments, submit lyrics, and more. It’s super easy, we promise!