useless memories & rants from an infidel
- February 04, 2015
- RosesAtSunset
- 2 Comments
2 Comments
-
This made me cry out of sheer empathy when I read it -
until I came to the last line - when I cut my own head off shortly before boarding a plane to Antipathy. -
I can relate to being a lonely, socially awkward, maladjusted outsider. I've gotten a LOT better, but I still feel lonely a lot despite having a handful of very, very close friends I'm still a little awkward, but being articulate and seeming sincere helps (note that I said "seeming"). Basically, I've gotten better at faking it. I don't feel any more confident; I don't feel any increased sense of self-worth.
I relate very well to people. I'm scared people won't relate to me. I'm also more of a passive observer than a hands-on, go-getter and shake-it-upper which is a doublefuck because I'm male and I'm expected to be like that. All relationships are based on your perception of the other person, so no worries (well, pretty much everything is perception). At the end of the day, it's a competition between the relationship you see and want versus the relationship the other person sees and wants. I also sometimes hate myself. A lot. I don't think I have ever really loved myself, but I've gotten better about tolerating the person in the mirror.
Craving non-existence, eh? If you feel like a malfunctioning product that is simply sitting on the shelf awaiting the release of the superior model, then you're already giving yourself too much credit. You have already been replaced. There is someone more or less just like you out there; similar or identical strengths, less weaknesses, better suited for this world, etc. In fact, there have probably been hundreds of thousands of people just like you, but better. You aren't waiting to be replaced; you have been replaced. In fact, you were outdated when you were released. And you call yourself a nihilist. ;)
Religion? I don't feel much of a need to discuss "religion" anymore. That's too general of a term. I share your pain over what religion tells women they can and can't do with their vagina though (at least in the West...). As someone who just recently got left by a Catholic girl after three and a half years, I can assure you that the damage it does to people is pretty real, though probably not inevitable.
You do a good job at feigning apathy, and it would almost be enviable if it weren't so irrational. I can't think of one scenario where I seriously thought to myself, "wow, I'm so glad I'm lazy, indifferent, jaded and cynical." Apathy is your enemy. The older I've gotten, the more I wished I would have gone out on a limb more often, made myself more vulnerable, and taken that shot. You know, asked that girl out, made that joke in class, stuck up for that kid getting picked on, etc.
Nothing good comes from apathy.
Add your thoughts
Log in now to tell us what you think this song means.
Don’t have an account? Create an account with SongMeanings to post comments, submit lyrics, and more. It’s super easy, we promise!
i'm six and i can't open the mini carton of chocolate milk they gave me to go with the unsalted popcorn. it's movie night at the shitty public school in the low-income neighbourhood we lived in when we first immigrated to canada. i struggle for a little longer until a kind-eyed chaperone takes the carton from me, turns it around, and opens the spout from the correct side. i think the movie was tarzan but i remember more about the milk carton than i do about the film. most of my childhood was pretty sad and lonely but i really liked that memory of someone picking up my problem, turning it around, and fixing it for me.
sometimes i think i'm permanenty damaged because of all the excess cortisol that i've experienced over the years. i think i'm to blame because i don't relate well to people - i don't like myself, so how can i even begin to like anyone else? most of my relationships were based on my idealized perception of people rather than reality. i don't think i can call myself lonely if there's nobody i long to talk to. i'm writing here because i like to and i feel like it's a way for me to communicate with people without actually having to give a shit about anything they say. no, i completely understand that i'm kind of a selfish, ego-centric person but, after pretending to be a nice person all day, it's nice to take off the mask and be real.
mostly i crave non-existence because i feel like a malfunctioning product waiting to be replaced. i don't care about religion. in fact, i feel offended when people to tell me to trust in god. when you look at it from my nihilistic perspective, you might be able to understand that the idea of believing in some omnipotent deity "that knows best" is insulting.
i've always had trouble bowing to authority and i have even more trouble praying to some imaginary thing that supposedly made up a bunch of rules for me to follow (mostly concerned with what i do with my vagina) because otherwise i'll go to hell where i'll suffer for all of eternity. it's actually hilarious when you think about it. it's like a group of toddlers got together and decided to write a rule book, "follow these rules and you'll get to go to the bestest place forever, but if you don't you go the worstest place ever!" what a joke. i went to a catholic school and i'm friends with some religious people so, of course, i'm perfectly accepting of their beliefs and i would never tell them that i secretly think they're really stupid.
at least i know who to call if i ever feel like recruiting for a pyramid scheme.