• Part 2 of Chapter 1

   

  10 months pass by and I yet to eat anything – face pale and sick – torturing myself hoping that god would take my life too, so that I can be with him in heaven. But why am I still breathing? I try to kill myself – stab and bleeding till I can only see white lights – but still here I’m, alone. How can one explain how suffer this life is? It’s like losing your heart, exactly, he stole my heart on the first day we met and he never gave it back – I’m a human without a heart.

   

  I lay down on the empty bed, facing my left side bed looking at the place where you have lay – untouched, hoping that you might come back and hold me like you always would. But never again, so I weep, hoping that you can hear how lonely I feel, how lost I am without you. Time pass by, still you’re not here, waiting hopelessly. The picture next to my bed, picture of us how you smile, it still take my breath away. Vision of you climbing down my window, just slowly vanish.

   

  2 months from now I will be marry to someone I hardly know, I didn’t even hear his name – I was too busy figuring out where Mile is? Either if he’s coming to me tonight. My mind confuse and going crazy, am I become crazier by day? The thoughts of being marry to someone you don’t love, how can you even go on a day? Mother and father had taken this decision as they think it will cure me from being suicidal.

   

  The date was set, the time was decided, only left now is to say the word – I do. I wish to only say that to Mile, but we didn’t even reach or even came close to planning our wedding. He always keep silent every time I start to talk about getting marry, buying a small house, living near an open lake, where we can swim and fish – mentioning about fishing will always make him giggle. He was always surprise on how my idea turn from 1 to something bigger. He had given me a peace of mind that I would have answer to my life, but I was a fooled to believe that because look where I am now – sad and lonely.

   

  Time is running out, I grab my father’s arm as he walk me down the aisle and this is not how I would picture my wedding would be. All of the faces that came to the wedding, the smiles on their faces force me to smile back and every step I take, I smile to every nod of appreciation to their attendance. I look at father as he point out mother, sitting alone at the very front row bench – tissues in her hands, sobbing of joy. Dear god, should I just try to be happy to please my parents? They deserve to be happy, to see me happy even when I know I’m not ok.

   

  Finally, father place my hand on this strange man and in a few seconds, my husband. I took a deep breath as I step closer to him and he smile as he touch my cheeks. What is this feeling I feel? I feel not love, I feel fear. Why do I feel this way? The way he touch my cheek and how he holds my hand – lies, pretend and full of hate. I don’t even know this man, how can I feel this? Why is this feeling coming to me?

   

  “Thomas Ashton, will you take Jessica Jefferson-“ and everything started to blur. Is this happening because I disagree? Should I run? I look at my parents, how they weep of joy. I look back at him, slowly close my eyes and hold his hands tighter. There will be no turning back after this, no more sadness, it’s time to move on even how much I don’t want to let go.

   

  “Do you Jessica Jefferson, take –“ everything white and blur.

  “Say no,” a whisper in my ears – so soft, slowly disappearing.

  “Sorry?” I ask- not knowing who to ask.

  “Will you take Thomas Ashton as your husband?” The priest repeats.

  “Say no Jessie, say no,” that voice so familiar. Could it be? Mile, could it be you?

  “Hey Jessie,” Thomas tightly hold my hand as if he would to break it, “answer the question.”

   Looking at his eyes, full of anger and I’m scare, but I have to say it, “ I-“

  “No Jessie, say no!” Mile shout near my ear and I look down, holding Thomas hands.

  “Jessie, everyone’s waiting,” Thomas say – Impatience and I can see his anger.

  “Em.. I do.”

   

  The music play, it was time for me and Thomas to dance, but I’m really not good at dancing – I recap the moment I would step on Mile feet during prom and that I don’t think I got better since high school was years back. Thomas held his hand, a sign that he wants to dance. I nod to disagree, he stare me down and he took my hands. No one saw how rude he took me, how he force me, so I just pretend like nothing happened. As we step on the dance floor, I look at Thomas and he smile at everyone there.

   

  “I’m not a good dancer, I –“

  “Silence and just smile,” he distract me and crush my hand, moving me from side to side.

  “You’re hurting me,” I begin to show an expression of pain.

  “I said silence and just smile, smile like you’re so touch by how I hold you.” He stroll me away and pull me back, “I have to talk to you, pull me to that tree now.”

  “But why?” I ask and step on his feet.

  “You-“ He crush my hand, “Just do as I say now,” forcing a smile on his face.

   

  I stop dancing and pull him away from the dance floor, while approaching the huge tree I begin to wonder what this man would want from me now. My hand – pain and red – still took hold of his. Facing the other way from the crowd, he push me to the tree – so hard, I almost hit my head and my back scream of pain.

   

  “Listen here,” he look away further to the crowd and everyone just dance, as if nothing had happened, “Let’s make it clear, you are my wife but I will never love you, I hate you for as long as I breathe.” He point his figure and push my head to the tree, I shed tear and he just smile.

  “Wipe this stupid tear. I marry you only for one reason, which is money and because my father has an internal deed of appreciation towards your father. You’re my second wife-“

  “But how is that possible?” I stop him and he slap me.

  “I hate when people don’t let me finish talking, let alone a person who is now my wife.”

  I weep, all that I can do.

  “Oh you want to cry?”

  “I want to see my parents,” I cry even more.

   

  He look at rage, slam me to the tree and grab my neck, he’s choking me. God, let me die now, please I beg u.

   

  “You tell them, I will kill them and make it seem like it was an accident. I’m that good, don’t dare me and don’t try my temper.”

  “You’re choking me..” I could hardly speak.

  “Good, if you die I will get my money. But not yet, I have something plan for you.”

  “Please-“ I choke and he let me go. I cough and cough, breathe heavily.

  “If you would cherish your parent’s life, you would do as I say.” He continues talking and walk a distance.

   

  Slowly I sit down on the grass – so green, looking at the sky as it begins to slowly turn grey - about to rain, I breathe. God, is this the plan you have written for me? How will I survive this horror? If this is how I will die, being torture to my final breathe, then be it.

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