• More than

  Part 1 of Chapter 1

   

  It may seem like I would be giving up on my life now, today at this very moment – 2nd December 2013. I have lost almost everyone in my life, I wonder why? Why do people have to die and leave the loves one behind? Why can they go together? Soulmate should not be separate, they should be together – in life and death. It’s like there’s no more reason to live my life. He was so young, at the age of 25 – so innocent, so joyful. He did said his goodbyes as if he knew that his time will end very soon, why the secrecy? Questions remain unanswered, even his parents didn’t had the slight of clue what’s been going on with him.

   

  Dear god why? He was the love of my life, the only person who had understand me, who had shown me the world. Now all I see are ashes and I can only feel pain, where have all the love and care gone to? Is this how it feels – losing someone you love? Might this be the end for me as well? Please let it be. Or have you plan something better for me? But it’s so hard to move on, please can someone show me how to take just one step forward because it’s like I can’t even crawl from this dark clouds that cover me.

   

  Here next to his grave – Mile Jones, born 1st December 1986 / R.I.P 2nd December 2013, He was a loving son - filled with flower and picture of him smiling – those shiny blue eyes as if he’s looking at me - wind blow and the smell of roses just made me cry even more. As I place the white rose on his grave stone, I could smell the perfume he love to wear everywhere we go. Is he here with me now? Is he watching me cry and suffering? If he is, please know that I can live a moment without you. Why do you have to leave when we had plan so much together in life?

   

  How can I describe you? He was a boy full of joy and excitement, he only had one secret and that secret was cancer. He manage to call me just before he was taken away from me, the last word he said to me was, “Keep moving because life is full of wonders and there’s a lot more to see,” – he said it just after he told me how much he love me and he wrote me stories of his best memories. The papers in my hands, how can I even read it? It will just be a painful memory. All of those written are from the moment he knew he can crawl – an innocent baby boy – to a young adult, in love. You inspire me to move, but how can I when I no longer have you around to held my hand to carry me forward..

   

  Mother hug me closer to her, I can’t stop sobbing – why did he had to go? She hold me close and pull me up, away from the grave. We were the only ones left, when everyone was already away. Father looking outside the car driver window, he wave as a signal he’s waiting. As we approach the car, I look back at Mile’s gravestone trying my best to say goodbye. My mouth shut, heavy lips, confuse mind, uncertain and broken heart.

   

  Inside the car, I still hold the paper (the writings from miles), I slowly weep and there’s only silence inside of the car for a moment. Slowly I recap what happened hours ago..

   

  “This was on Mile hand when he was sleeping, it’s got your name Jessie.” Mrs. Jones cried as she gives me the papers and hug me tight.

  “Sorry, I took most of his time away from you.” I whispered in her ears.

  “No, don’t say that. He always smile everything coming home from being with you.”

  “But if I-“ I couldn’t continue talking and instead I cried.

  “No Jessie, you were everything to him. He was so happy and a mother will always be happy if her son is happy.” She wipe my tears.

  “Darling, let’s go home.” Mr. Jones hold Mrs. Jones back and smiled at me, “Hey Jessie, be strong. Mile would say that to you.”

   

  Mrs. Jones hugged me more and we apart ways with a goodbye. Mr. and Mrs. Jones was smiling but deep inside I knew they were hurt. Since Mile has gone some place better, Mr. and Mrs. Jones planned to move away back to Florida, they told me that’s where Mile wanted them to go – back to their hometown. The only reason they stayed longer here is because Mile didn’t want to be apart from me. God that brings tear to my eyes, how can I go on?

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