• today i almost lost control. at first i swam the length of the high school pool on one breath without surfacing. now i double back when i get to the opposite side and see how far i can go before i have to come back up for air. i got nearly half way back across and i think i nearly drowned myself in doing so. i had always felt that the water was harmless, maybe even my guardian, but today i nearly passed out under seven feet of water. it kinda scares me, but what is worse, is that everytime i go under the surface, i never want to come back up. also today, while hovering over the bottom of the 12 foot end of the pool, i suddenly thought, "the water is trying to drown me!" it had started to leak into my mask because of the pressure. the deep water makes me free, i cannot fall into the space between me and the concrete bottom. i come back to the surface only because i have to. i coughed a lot and felt like an idiot today when i almost lost it, but then again, i wish i had been able to stay under longer. i must be careful never to loose control, i know this all the more since i came so close today.

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