• Graduation. It’s coming up so soon I’m already fast forwarding. I don’t feel this pressure for completion. It’s like it already happened and school is behind me. Sorry mom, sorry dad. Grades could have been better if I was better. But I didn’t want better. I wanted stasis. I wanted to just run this thing down to the ground. I thought someone would stop me before I took it this far. But I think maybe this ending is better. I’m still in control. I feel ready to move, to make changes. I’m okay with sadness. It’s this emptiness nothing matters black and white daydream that I’m trying to let go of. Live with meaning and purpose. Stop thinking, start doing. I want to care about my time in every moment, not just the larger picture. A new structure of organization. Measuring progress. I am my actions. Happy and healthy and strong and calm. The good is not gone. I’m still holding on but I’m not holding back. I’ve had time to recover, rewind, re-enact. But only so much can come from retracing your path. Sometimes things are just lost and we’re filled with regret. Nothing lasts forever, so take all you can get. And never stop moving or feeling alive at the end of the day your life’s yours to define. No one else cares at least not like you do. I want to believe that a part of me has carried through.

  I want to get more out of my interactions with other people. Everyone else seems to vibrate at this higher frequency that takes energy to operate. I don’t know what I’m saving my energy for. Maybe for this. Maybe for something else. Am I a writer? In some sense, this proves I am. Simple, yet effective. I can do this. But more importantly, I want to do this. Not just because I can. No, there’s more passion than that. I used to think I had it all figured out. Now the more I know I know that I don’t know shit. The world works in very few absolutes. There are always conditions. I care about these subtleties. I can point them out to others. Power of explanation for a lack of motivation. I want to communicate effectively in my relationships. I want to be accountable. 21 days to create a habbit. No matter what, I will write. I will write. I will write. No matter what, I will write.

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