though it shouldn't matter
- March 28, 2014
- RosesAtSunset
- 1 Comment
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i want him to think i'm beautiful and significant
because, though i've been clearing my mind and feeling happy, the words from the past boomerang endlessly though my mind, piercing my neurons again and again until the neurotransmitters fizzle and burn out and i wince and my brain smokes and my heart slowly melts through my back through the floor through the earth
through the goddamn universe itself until it's gone, gone from what i can fathom, gone from my conception of existence, gone until it doesn't hurt anymore
but i pull myself away from those depressing dreams. i'm smiling because i'm happy even though it hurts because i try to find joy in the small things. like nails that glisten like rubies even though i kind of suck at putting on nail polish
i examine my almost-flat tummy and i think, well, at least i'm close and i figure, gee, if they airbrushed me i'd have a taut stomach too. i did about 17 sit ups and then started reading book covers in the closet, remembering the places they'd taken me but then
i come back to this moment and i think
it'd be pretty nice if he thought i was beautiful and significant, but if he didn't, well, that'd be okay too but not as okay. the truth ain't always eloquent.