i suck
- January 16, 2014
- RosesAtSunset
- 12 Comments
12 Comments
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Hey. I just want to say that I don't know exactly how you feel in terms of the context around why you feel this way, but I do understand your feelings as a whole. You're not alone in this. I can't tell you that things will get better. That's a choice that you have. I can't tell you to keep your head up or believe in God or whatever people think is a healing thing. That's your choice. And I think that so many people stay so depressed because they subconsciously realize that their happiness is solely dependent on themselves and it's an individual's responsibility to heal the individual. That's a daunting task, but far more rewarding than relying on people outside of yourself because that also takes power away from you. It's not impossible, but it is hard. I also won't apologize for not coddling you or giving you actual advice. I don't really think that's what you were seeking when you posted this. Perhaps you just wanted an outlet and you don't particularly care about the advice of others. That's ok, too. There's nothing wrong with that and there's nothing wrong with you unless you yourself make it so. Anywho. Good luck.
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I'm going through the same type of shit right now, my advice would be too seek counselling regularly, you should be able to find counselling free, I know where I live there's community counselling that is completely free and I'm going to be getting counselling through that. probably quite smoking pot, i smoked pot everyday too just feel good but I quite for about 3 weeks now and i began to realize how that really gets you no where it's just an alternative reality but deep down you still feel unhappy, you just can't properly think about it, but shit I feel ya man all that can be done is do everything you can and hope things get better.
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I think this is just a phase in time your going through just do more things that make you happy and things that don't make you cry. surround yourself with people that love you and you will feel loved. even though that weird kid might really love you he might feel the same way as you because you don't love him back. i can relate to you loving someone but them not loving you back. i know how it feel but for me he knows and when i say it and he says it back i can tell that he doesn't love me back and that feeling makes me want to find a corner and cry. so now i just don't say it no more to stay away from it. stop wasting your money on professional help if they all tell you the same thing. and you do need attention so you can feel loved and if you reject it then you will never get it.
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I don't mean to sound like I'm an army soldier. I'm familiar with pain, I was born to embrace it, but it's not good for my skin, so I say No thank you when it comes and meet me. We have the power to be above it!
I could have 10 thousands reasons to be sad, but I refuse to let the 10 thousands overwhelm my thoughts and life. I choose to concentrate on that one thing that is happy, and make that thing become the centre of my thoughts.
Sometimes things get better for people, but sometimes they don't. We musn't wait for things to get better, we must shake them off and walk above! -
Trying to raise above the pain is not being in denial, it's being a fighter! It's good to recognise we're going through hell and be gentle to ourselves, but it's not good to let self-pity and let pain becomes comfortable.
Say no more to pain! Fight! -
be proud of your pain, for you are stronger than those with none.
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I haven't read the bukowski's book, but I read the Railway man, and went to watch it. It's an amazing story of forgiveness and healing.
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Maybe part of it is true, maybe people have not treated you well, but maybe part of it isn't so, it's how you feel about yourself and therefore you think everybody thinks low about you?
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Even the best people will let you down, because none of us is perfect.
Why not trust that there is a force beyond that you can trust, who will never let you down? Why not open your heart and trust Him?
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i feel like i'm drowning in the hell of myself. i'm torturing myself in my head. i feel overwhelmed and incompetent. i'm scared of making mistakes. i don't want to deal with it anymore. i take myself too seriously. i have no skin. i'm throwing together a bunch of sentences fueled by my oversensitive anguish. i just want to feel like i belong. i beat myself up all the time. i feel like i deserve to be beaten up, like i'm no good, like i don't deserve to be treated well- even by myself. i was treated with contempt for so long that now i don't know how to heal and be whole. i make value judgements about myself based on the way people treat me. i feel like my brain is going to start cracking from the stress. i feel like no matter what i do it'll never be good enough and that it's already too late. i'm in love with someone that doesn't love me and i feel like it's just another sign that i don't deserve to be loved, that i'm unlovable. i'm so scared of failure and i just want to sleep forever because i don't want to hurt anymore. i don't want people to look at me and think things about me because i'm worried that i'm just a big joke. my anxiety is so bad that i feel like i can't breathe because my throat is full of rocks. i spend most of my time high out of my mind because otherwise i can't stop crying. i'm a complete mess of a person and i feel like a waste of space. i don't want attention. i just want quiet affection and i still feel like that's asking for too much.
i need professional help, but i'm tired of repeating the same story and paying $200 an hour to hear what i already know. i've tried so many different kinds of medicine, but it all makes me feel stupid or more anxious. there isn't a solution, to be honest. you either deal with it or you don't. i guess that's why i'm a functioning pothead. i don't know if you've read bukowski's book "what matters most is how well you walk through the fire" but that's really what it is.
"and don't forget:
time is meant to be wasted,
love fails
and death is useless."