today i wanted to cry. what is love do i love him that would be ridiculous but love IS irrational ugggh. i want to die. at every stopsign i would start daydreaming about kissing him just a small peck under the mist, under the light, under the beautiful blue it would have been perfect he does not like me like that i doubt i'm even a friend. he feels an obligation i hate that. isthis friendship an obligation i want to cry at the thought someone being like that just because they feel they should and he's fully capable of it. i'm so scared. i don't know what's going to happen. but then, i do we'll talk less and less. none after he pays me back. [idreadtheday] he'll talk to jessica a lot and i become a shadow, a blur in his memory that nice guy that bought me my violin who was nice enoguh to care... who listened to his every word idontwanttolovehim lovelovelove. arbitrary. it's just sex hormones that one scene implanted in my head that pose it made me want to... i can't even say it. i want to hug him once more. just once, please. a goodbye of sorts. a summary of the whole fucking thing in a hug. i wish i lived in the parallel universe where he liked me where he might like me, hug me, kiss me, maybe and instead of driving around nowhere we end up at a park or some obscure place and lay beside one another and look at the stars and talk about lights and nothingness. &a final hug. and an innocent kiss. i would kill for that. maybe not him, just the thought of it with someone i would love do i want someone to love? fuckthat.fuckfuckfuck. i don't want to be that person meaningless sex empty stares no thought. ihatemymind.