• i logged into my old songmeanings account, and oh my god. i'm half drunk and on the verge of tears. i was so much better at writing about my life back then. i was so naive. i was so excited for the future. i wrote about my dad when my mother had a protective order against him, about how he came over and cried every night, begging to come back. he eventually did and things got better. this stuff seems so small now, but back when i was 14 i was doing exactly what i am now: sitting at the computer, trembling. i would have never expected that my dad would be how he is now, barely able to talk after a major stroke. those problems are long gone but replaced. things change, so fast, but you gotta adapt adapt adapt. i guess.

  i don't have many of the friends i used to write about anymore. but as i read on, i realized that i have become the person i want to be for the most part. i used to dream of an exciting life, having the courage to do what i want, and that's what i have now. it's just so fucking bizarre, reading my old thoughts like that. i was so fucking young and full of passion. i still have my love of adventure and now i'm wild eyed and almost fearless, but where is my passion? 

  i'm just in a really weird place right now. it's not bad, but everything around me feels so surreal. i'm in the house i grew up in, the room i spent my childhood in, but i'm such a different person. i have so many more experiences but right now i just feel like that same dumb kid, dreaming of something more. but what even? i don't know. i'm listening to weatherbox and i've got all the love in the world.

  i'm falling for him. hard. and it scares me because he's not like any boy i've ever been with. he treats me better than anyone has and i always want to see him. i'm scared of giving my all to someone because all i've ever been is hurt, and i know it's foolish to sway from what you want in fear of what's happened in the past, but i'm just scared. when it comes to love i'm a child. i don't know, i just hope he stays because i plan on hanging around for a long time.

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