some people never go mad

  • i'm thinking about sad things. 

    let's go 3 years back in time. i am seventeen years old. i am in love for the first time. i build skyscrapers and laugh at time. and then he leaves and i lose my fucking mind.

    i bought a dress and i wanted him to look at me. he didn't show up. he didn't show up

    what do you know about art? what does anyone really know about art? we're all vomiting and stomping on anything that's ever mattered. i screw up my face so it's ugly and leaking all of the horrible things that you don't want to read about. so don't read about them

    we're back to the present now. but can we ever leave anything behind? what's the difference between letting go and blowing your brains out? it's the same progression of events. it's always the same decay of emotion that leaves me wearing a pretty dress that does nothing for my ugly, scrunched up face pouring out of its mold.

    there is a difference between letting go and blowing your brains out. it's the difference between natural erosion and an atomic bomb. 

    i'm chasing a fly around my room and i'm losing my fucking mind. it's a dizzy panic. as soon as i think it's flown out, i hear it buzzing again and i run around in a frenzy as i wave around my notebook. my eyes grow wilder each time and i'm shaking with anger as i know it's flying around like a disgusting little moby dick of flies. or is there more than one? are there many flies taunting me and alternating their invasion of my room to drive me insane? it flies by again and i wave my book around trying to force it out of my room but it buzzes around oddly, swerving again and again until i lose sight of it. i know it'll fly by again but it's too fucking stupid to see the doorway and i'm too disgusted to actually kill it. i just want it gone, out of my room, out of my life. but i'm too scared to knock it out. 

    what? do you know what i'm talking about?

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