• i don't speak to my mother tonight. i was too stoned when she came home so i hid in my room until she went to sleep. i decided last night that i wanted to be closer to her because i love her, but i don't think i've ever done a very good job of closeness. i have my priorities all mixed up. what happened to me? i guess that, when my heart broke too much, my resolve broke too. at least, that's my theory. i need to stop being such an idiot, right?

  he came over today and told me he liked my body. he's too old for me, but i answered the door in little black underwear and we screwed all afternoon. for lunch, we went through the drive-thru at mcdonalds and i used my coupons to get us cheap lunch. it sounds trashy, but it was actually pleasant. i don't want to skip class anymore though. i don't like the path i'm on. it's the devil's path, if you look at it in a puritanical perspective.

  the lazy days will ruin me. each day that i accomplish nothing is another step toward a mediocre future.

• i hope it all works out im not nagging i swear :) because life can be difficult and your making baby steps well thats ood because at least your making progres. good luck

  ezmryderon April 01, 2013   Link

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    Thanks :) you too!!

    RosesAtSunseton April 04, 2013  

• You have to really want it or nothing is going to change. It's your life. YOU are the only one who can change it. I would suggest dealing with your feelings in some way that doesn't involve drugs. Stop getting high because the higher you are the harder you're gona fall.

  FrTHMMRS21on March 21, 2013   Link

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    You're absolutely right, but I'm so unhappy as of late. I feel so tired and confused all the time. I'm taking baby steps to getting better. I hung out with my mom tonight and I'm booking an appointment with a therapist next week. It's really easy to make a blanket statement telling me to take control of my life, but honestly-- if it was that easy, I'd have done it already. I get good grades, have a decent part-time job, and I have nice friends. It's just my mindset and drive that needs work, and I'm working toward it. The problem with me not smoking anymore is that I have really bad episodes sometimes where I get bad panic attacks and impulsive thoughts. Smoking weed regulates my episodes more than any anti-depressant, anti-anxiety medication, or therapy ever did. I'm trying to cut down so that it doesn't take up all my days anymore though. Thanks for the advice, but I just don't like patronizing comments. I know that I'M the only one who can change my life and I know that drugs aren't the cure, but I'm working toward that. I can't just snap my fingers and make myself into a responsible, functioning member of society. That takes time and a lot of work (that I'm slowly putting in). <br /> <br /> I write here to vent and express myself in hopes that people will understand and relate to me. Sometimes, especially as of late, it's not the case.

    RosesAtSunseton March 22, 2013  

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