• i had a dream about that jerk the other night. he had bleary eyes that missed me! but no, i woke up and i know that's not the case. i don't think it was ever the case. i bought myself a few clothes today, even though i probably shouldn't have. i just figured i needed to be cheered up. i feel so ungrateful, but christmas frustrates me. people always get me stupid shit i don't need or want and i always have to spend so much money. i hate this season. i think it's stupid because neither jesus or santa exist. and before you start on me, the grinch doesn't exist either.
  
  after i reached home from the mall, i got stoned with my new bong (also something to cheer myself up) and ate cinnabon alone in my car listening to the xx. probably the best christmas eve i've ever had. i don't have anything to be cheered up for, but i feel so low a lot of the time. i try to stay cheerful and strong around people, but i think they see that i'm just a fake. i also think that they don't really care because they're waiting for their turn to express and shine. i don't shine or express. i regurgitate and my shine is more like a glare-- out of place and annoying. i like being by myself, to be honest. it's not that i hate people. it's that people don't make me happy anymore. all of the people that used to make me smile only make me cry now.
  
  the passengers in my car give me less company than the leather upholstery, but they leave a residue. when they close the door (always too roughly), the car still feels full of their nonsense until i smoke it out. i feel crazy because these are my friends i'm talking about. why do i hate them so much? they haven't really done anything wrong. they just don't make me happy and that's my fault. i'm ungrateful and i have restricted boundaries.
  
  i am unhappy and desperately trying to find peace, but the world is chaotic and people are messy. i don't trust anything and, as a result, i am so resentful. if i turned and fell backward, i feel as though i'd fall forever.

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