• It all came out, in a rush yesterday and I had to choose. 

  I chose, I chose my head over my heart. This is horrible. I don't know how it's going to work, to live with J when she's 'greiving' over what we had, knowing what we had together. To live with S not trusting me at all. 

  See, the problem is, I love both of them, I love them fucking entirely and they are huge parts of my life. But, even though it's an open relationship S hates J and she refuses to be with me if I'm still sleeping with J. I guess maybe, I didn't exactly disclose the full extent of my feelings about J.

  I wanted it all. I wanted them both, but I can't have it, and I've accepted that. However, now I don't want anyone. I don't have the energy to live with someone who's trying to forget they're in love with me, I need to maintain the energy to fight against my love for her. I have to fight for S, she's hurt, so fucking hurt, and so fucking vulnerable, and she wants me to fight to show her my love, but I don't know how to do that. I don't know if I have the energy to do that. I guess I just want to run becuase it's hard right now, right? 

   

  I can't write poetry about S, but words about J just fall from my mind constantly. I'm not sure I've made the right decision. This is fucked. 

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