already drowned

  • bad timing, indeed

    approached you first for comfort

    in a time of need

    but you offered none

    told me you were gone

    nattered on about the same two knives who always cut you


    you seem not to want me unless you can't have me

    now i'm here: you disappear

    now that i'm free you no longer want me

    or never really did


    i've been calling your name

    but i'm weary of games

    i don't have the will to keep score anymore

    desire must have fled, or it's all in my head

    or i no longer feel what you're sending


    you seem not to care

    so tell me why, then,

    should i offer my heart to be broken again?

    it's on lockdown

    for the forseeable future


    thus rejected, i stopped looking

    but something came looking for me



    grief makes people do terrible things

    emerging from a fugue state

    overwhelming, inundate


    obviously i've been out of my mind:

    still inexcusable, no less unkind

    i'm not vindictive by nature

    but i had a pretty good teacher


    i knew just what i did

    i dared

    the worst part is:  i didn't care

    although i know i should

    and didn't turn away affection offered

    though i never would have proffered first

    and resisted only weakly


    pass judgment if you'd like

    but first, try being human

    live my hell experience

    before you judge in spite

    and contemplate your own exploits if you'd condemn me privately


    can't fall off your high horse

    if you never take a risk

    but that's a jump i just can't see you taking

    another leap you won't be making


    anyone who takes me now

    has only my body

    and not my heart

    that was yours but you tossed it out

    now it's no one's

    right now it's fit for nothing anyway


    but my soul belongs to me

    and you have no right to condemn it

    it's not your place to condemn it

    but call me a whore if that makes you feel better

    and maybe first you should look in the mirror

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