• the timestamped archive that I consult when I want to use circumstantial evidence to guess how you are feeling, or to convince myself that something is going on even if it isn't--it's gone. Completely erased, forever. This hurts me so much that I actually feel sickened. I know it's your right to do whatever you want to do with your information for whatever reason, and not have to be burdened with whatever histrionic bullshit reaction I'm going to vomit all over this silly little journal, but the effect is that I'm devastated. I feel ridiculous and ashamed for feeling that way, but I can't help it. It gave me solace to believe that even when I felt like you were pulling away from me, I could look at what I imagined to be a history of emotions and reactions, and convince myself that there was a time when you felt differently. Even if it wasn't real, even if it was all invented by some part of my brain that wants to be loved so much that it conjured up an imaginary connection made of coincidence and incorrectly drawn conclusions, it gave me comfort, and some fleeting happiness. Knowing that it's gone is a terrible loss to endure. You probably did me a huge favor, but instead I feel like you just punched me hard in the gut and laughed. So obviously, I lose the signal if it gets cut.
  
  (Disclaimer: I am not assuming this has anything to do with me--I am just describing the effect. I know I am often delusional, and have trouble distinguishing reality from what my mind has made up. But paranoia is speaking pretty loudly to me today, and shame whispers in my ear that if I weren't such a nuisance, this never would have happened.)

• who are you talking to if I may ask? :)

  Beautifulme7on June 24, 2012   Link

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