• Don't burn bridges that's one of the first things they teach you about relationships with other people but all of my bridges all my links to last year seem so charred with fire and big gaping canyons and jumping across scares the shit out of me regression the word pounds in my ears, tangling with the other one regression and alone those two words have become my summer those last two months of school, i felt so free and happy but now i just feel terrified i thought i found myself i did find myself and no matter how shitty and unmotivated and negative i feel nothing should take that away but other people my relationships i don't know what to do who can i trust? who wants my new life? my life with dan, that i believe in more than anything else i see forever with him, but that means letting go of so many pieces of my old life that don't fit in with the new ones and grace i dont like how we left it a burnt bridge im still inhaling the smoke fumes maybe im not wrong in thinking i should do something to change it dan wasnt there for the good part thats what happens with this distance you miss out on so much that cant be put into words so much you just have to be there for and my heart aches with the fear of spending this whole year without him without anyone really anyone strong anyone who wants my tears if you dont like your life, you should do something about it not just sit there and watch the sky other people ive always been so wary but im starting to think that its ok to need them to love yourself, yes, to value your alone time but also... also have someone there at the end of the day who actually cares if your crying and that means work and effort and putting yourself out there, even now when you just dont have the energy forcing yourself i hate that word its what i did for years and that scares me because i dont want to go back there to that place of detatchment i want to experience the world truthfully even if it means most days waking up and just wishing to go back to sleep this weekend i have a music festival at least i guess that's my one thing thats where i found myself thats who i am and the other people, the right ones, will they just appear? or do i have to find them? am i too young to disappear into someone else's life, even if it has all the safety of a daydream? even if that what we all do eventually? i think it might be i want to have everything i want dan in a world where nothing gets lost i want friendship and hope im at the end of my rope my teenage words again: no one understands and then theres matt who wants to reappear just when im starting to think i might need him as a friend as someone who gets me because the list of people signing up to care isn't exactly out the door and i know its my fault for receding so much but i just feel so empty and tired and i want a solution to fall from the sky

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