Don't burn bridges
that's one of the first things they teach you
about relationships with other people
but all of my bridges
all my links to last year
seem so charred with fire and big gaping canyons
and jumping across scares the shit out of me
regression
the word pounds in my ears, tangling with the other one
regression and alone
those two words have become my summer
those last two months of school, i felt so free and happy
but now i just feel terrified
i thought i found myself
i did find myself
and no matter how shitty and unmotivated and negative i feel
nothing should take that away
but other people
my relationships
i don't know what to do
who can i trust?
who wants my new life?
my life with dan, that i believe in more than anything else
i see forever with him, but that means letting go of so many pieces of my old life that don't fit in with the new ones
and grace
i dont like how we left it
a burnt bridge
im still inhaling the smoke fumes
maybe im not wrong in thinking i should do something to change it
dan wasnt there for the good part
thats what happens with this distance
you miss out on so much that cant be put into words
so much you just have to be there for
and my heart aches with the fear of spending this whole year without him
without anyone really
anyone strong
anyone who wants my tears
if you dont like your life, you should do something about it
not just sit there and watch the sky
other people
ive always been so wary
but im starting to think that its ok to need them
to love yourself, yes, to value your alone time but also...
also have someone there at the end of the day who actually cares if your crying
and that means work and effort and putting yourself out there, even now when you just dont have the energy
forcing yourself
i hate that word
its what i did for years and that scares me because i dont want to go back there
to that place of detatchment
i want to experience the world truthfully
even if it means most days waking up and just wishing to go back to sleep
this weekend i have a music festival at least
i guess that's my one thing
thats where i found myself
thats who i am
and the other people, the right ones, will they just appear?
or do i have to find them?
am i too young to disappear into someone else's life, even if it has all the safety of a daydream?
even if that what we all do eventually?
i think it might be
i want to have everything
i want dan in a world where nothing gets lost
i want friendship and hope
im at the end of my rope
my teenage words again: no one understands
and then theres matt
who wants to reappear just when im starting to think i might need him
as a friend
as someone who gets me
because the list of people signing up to care isn't exactly out the door
and i know its my fault
for receding so much
but i just feel so empty and tired
and i want a solution to fall from the sky
I think i can figure it out
- June 22, 2012
- ideaofcrying
- No Comments
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