• I came because when I called and asked you if I should you didn't just say yes instead, you said "I need to be next to you" and after that, driving home to my bed all alone clearly just wasn't an option being next to you there's just no right words when your hand is in mine and i look up into your eyes all i can see is how much weight that smile holds how much gravity and power and magnetic fields together we can have the world without you by my side, sometimes i forget who i am I feel lost and directionless a girl with a computer, typing out words and constantly wondering: are these the right ones? will they be good enough? will they have an impact, will they break hearts, will they break down doors and start riots in the streets with media coverage and I'll just get to look on and smile and say yes! yes! I did it i made them know what its like to be me but sometimes...there's this fear that if i just keep writing for the sake of writing so that i look busy or have something to do, or have a tangible way to measure my time i'm afraid the gift will disappear that i'll forget exactly what message im trying to deliver i know the limits of my own experience i feel that so much when im around other people in the way i just close off and shut down, protection mode, an innocent face with a thousand secrets I am 20 years old and i have my whole life figured out. this boy , this beautiful amazing incredible boy has taken me to the depths of all that i always was and shown me how to bring them to light he tells me i am amazing and special and perfect and beautiful and more than i have ever believed in anything, i believe in the feeling of his words in my chest and his hand on my face and the love i have that controls my happiness but which of us is the strong one? we're both so full of tears mirrors of one another, carrying the weight of the world and a mind that can't reconcile things like a how to guide to life, a definition of normal our intimacy feels so private when i try to explain it, everyone laughs and says that its all too soon and fast, but i just cant translate that knowledge into words how safe it feels to know that no matter what, in spite of everything wrong, there is a person out there who shares your experience who has cried your same tears, who has seen into the grains of everything and found a magic place to hide that everyone else has just glanced over we escape into bliss, into too goo to be trues, into the very epitome of love and protection and deep understanding but at this point in our lives, i still feel so young he's curing cancer while i write in the fucking journal on song meanings i started in high school and fiance its a words that makes me smile, but i sometimes forget it belongs to me i see people's reactions as they take us in: skinny little hippie girl writing her novel in the lab at sloan kettering memorial hospital while she waits for her fiance to cure cancer in a laboratory its hysterical, but you know what? i wouldnt have it any other way

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