• In fact, I did exactly that when I went to see you play last week. I didn't tell anyone I was coming, I went alone, I got a beer, and during the second song I leaned against the wall and wept silently until a mutual friend happened to find me. It was easy for me to play that off because it's not uncommon for me to cry in public at a good show. But lately, it's because something reminds me of you. More specifically, it's because I am afraid you have grown tired of me, or were never interested at all, or thought at first maybe you were interested until you discovered there is a lot of darkness not far below the surface, not always well-controlled, and maybe that feels like a recipe for disaster to you.
  
  When I left your house the other day I would have preferred to stay and hold you instead. I was looking so hard for an invitation--I'm sure it was obvious and embarrassing to witness. I just wanted to lie down next to you for an hour or two and let you sleep. I wanted to feel you breathing. I wanted to kiss your shoulder and know how your skin tastes. I wanted to nuzzle the crook of your neck because you smelled so good. But that is the problem with proximity--once I have my arms around you, I don't want to let go. And if I hold you long enough, what I am trying to maintain as affection and mutual understanding becomes something a little less innocent. I want to press myself into you and ruffle your hair and kiss you until I can feel you running through me.
  
  One of the things that makes me happiest right now is when I hug you just a little too long and you lean your head on my shoulder for just a moment. I think I actually sighed audibly last time you did that, and maybe you felt me collapse a little bit. Our friend was gracious enough to walk away and let me have a minute with you. But one of the things that makes me saddest is when I hug you too long and you pull away.
  
  I'm sorry. It feels like that's all I'm allowed to have of you right now, and I hold on to those seconds as long as I can.

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