• Trying to have a self-deprecating sense of humor about the way I put it out there does not in any way negate or disparage what I was, and still am, feeling. I want all those things, but often don't have the courage or the missing filter to articulate them unless my judgment is somewhat impaired. I still want to take you somewhere you've never been, literally and not metaphorically (well...maybe metaphorically too) so we can interact outside the framework of what is expected of us. Nature is always good for that, at least for me. I like the shelter of the woods. I want to show you the secret spring--which is also not a metaphor for something else, I swear, but I suppose it could be if you wanted it to be so. The practical problem for me is knowing whether you really want to engage in this or if you just are in love with the idea. I guess it is up to me to put my ego and pride on the line and find out, which scares the hell out of me. If my only choices are to lose you completely and forever, or to learn to enjoy the sexual tension in a friendship that might never be consummated, obviously I choose having you in my life somehow. But frustration easily turns into despair. The trouble is that I always seem to get shot down when I ask. Am I supposed to just show up unannounced and take you away without asking? I get the feeling you wouldn't like that much either. So I guess my question is do you prefer this to exist only here? Because once it's on the physical plane it seems guilt prevents either of us from making anything happen. That being said, trying to intellectualize these feelings or to analyze them rationally has never worked for me. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I just know I want you.

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