I hear, I will respond
- April 16, 2012
- artemisagrotera
- 1 Comment
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but right now I'm in trouble at work :(
(even if that was not left for me, I'm going to pretend it was, because it answers some questions and gives me the opportunity to do the same)
You are in my thoughts, as always. Short version without elaboration: I want to see you. We should talk, a lot, and not necessarily just about this. We should make a point to talk frequently, and maybe we should be somewhat sober. When I drink around you, I devolve into a screaming, crying mess and can't control my emotions, which don't have a healthy outlet because I've been bottling them up for...15 months? 16 months? and only letting them out here for less than a year, and incompletely at that.
The way I am handling this now is unhealthy and I have allowed it to seep into every area of my life and I have allowed myself to become an unstable mess. Note my word choices: I am not blaming you. I know this is on me for not having handled it better. Bottom line: I want to see you, I want to talk with you, I want to hear all the things you want to tell me. We should make a point to start there, at least. Then this can be based in reality.
I think we both have a strong capacity to live in our heads and while that makes us able to dream up things and perceive patterns that nobody else can or does, it also blurs the line between what is real and what we just want to be real. Part of the problem is that you and I have the ability to make those things in our head real (I'm not talking about "us" specifically, I mean whatever we dream up) and if we are unsure of what we want and need, it is difficult to know where real reality is, where our desired reality is that we are working towards, and what is just fantasy and conjecture.
That was much more than I had planned to say at the moment, so it's not very logically presented, and I'm not done yet, either--but as I said, I'm in trouble at work (my own fault for being a fuck-up) and need to be working for a bit. I just knew I wasn't going to be able to address everything in a short time, and I didn't want you to think my silence was meaningful.