• So, I handled last night pretty well, right? My capacity for self-defeat is nearly pathological. I intentionally sabotage any chance I have of speaking to you by getting out-of-control bizarre drunk. Did we even talk? I think I was probably scary enough to keep you away. I hope I had enough sense not to approach you, because my walls are crumbling and the layers of lies I have constructed are short-circuiting whatever little sanity and reason I have left and I would probably just abruptly say "as you may have already guessed, I'm in love with this image of you I've created which may or may not be anywhere near reality and it's making me insane, so let me take your hand, follow me, let's just start driving. I don't even care where we go. I just need to know if this is real and I don't care who it hurts and what I destroy." Not really the best plan, hmm?
  
  I look forward to shows more than anything else going on in my life right now, but I don't even remember most of the set. Good thing I obnoxiously and conspicuously took a hundred blurry pictures! I sort of wish you had met me under different circumstances so you would understand that this kind of crazy is not baseline for me. Yes, I'm a bit mental in general, but I don't just obsess over a person like a thirteen year old girl. This behavior is a product of this situation, my inability to act on any part of it, and the conflicting forces my inaction creates. I have paranoid delusions that everyone is watching me fall apart and is shocked by my age-inappropriate behavior. Maybe this is actually the case. I really don't know. But when I half-dissociate and observe from outside myself, I am more than a little disturbed by what is going on and I know rationally that I need either to stop or to do something different. If I didn't intentionally make myself ill and enervated by not sleeping enough or by drinking too much, I would have strength either to do something about this or to be angry. I want to break things. I'm too numb to cry. I feel sick and weak and disgusted with myself. I want to see you, talk to you, tell you how insane and stupid I feel, apologize for being a mess and a force of chaos. I would like it better if we were lying on a blanket on the grass in half-shade, half-sun somewhere and you were holding me while I give my confession. This fool is coming undone. At some point, I must wake up and remember how to act like a rational adult. I hope it's soon, because I am about to self-destruct.

• Beats being totally boring.

  bellababyon April 08, 2012   Link

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