• When it comes to self-harming, burning your forearms is a bit wimpy. I never even considered it self-harm until a girl in a pub pulled up the sleeves of my hoody and said she thought so. I used to be very self-conscious about the scars, constantly pulling down the sleeves when I had absent-mindedly pulled them up. But then someone told me they wouldn't even have known they were from self-harm if I hadn't told them so. But I guess some people know and don't need to be told and recognise them for what they are. These days I feel pretty comfortable wearing short sleeve shirts and no one has asked me about them, which I dread the thought of having to explain. Oh, these? I don't really like myself, or life, or this world, my family, friends, future prospects, the constant cycle of anxiety and depression that I live with etc. I don't know why I expect people to ask about them. Maybe I want them to. They say that motives for self-harming behaviours include expressing feelings that we can not or do not know how to otherwise express and as a means of communicating our need of support etc. But then why the dread? I guess because I don't really understand why I self-harm. I mean I've read the explanations for self-harm and some definitely seem more pertinent than others, like the need for immediate relief and to feel something/anything, but what exactly am I thinking about prior to self-harming? I know I do it in moments of panic when I have recurring thoughts, depressive ruminations that I can not shake, feelings of hopelessness, unfairness and not being able to cope and if I somehow burn myself everything will be ok. But its more like an impulse more than any sort of concrete thoughts, you have a lighter in hand, you feel like shit and you burn yourself. I felt like doing it again tonight. I didn't. Its been months.

• Yeah I've only self-harmed myself very mildly and very seldom, like 5 times or something, but anyway maybe you do it as a way to escape the situation, your thoughts/feelings are too hard to deal with, so you avoid them by focusing on something else, i.e. pain. You mention it feels impulsive, which makes me wonder if it's something habitual. You've shaped your behavior because you've learned that it helps in some way. All behavior is about reward/punishment, but it is sometimes more of a trade-off. Burning your arms gives you some sort of relief/pleasure/or helps you avoid pain. The pain that is the result of burning your arm is not as bad as the pain you are relieving through it. If burning your arm felt worse than the pain inside then you wouldn't be doing it. Just some thoughts.

  Androgyneon June 14, 2013   Link

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