• Lately I've been so confused. I want to understand myself and love myself again. I don't know why I keep feeling this way- it's driving me psycho. One moment I'm up. Another I'm down. I was doing fine until this weekend. I don't know what happened.... maybe it was Valentines Day that got to me... another year without a date... knowing he probably has one... or maybe not cuz he wants to hang out with me... whyyyy??? Why does he torture me so? He stopped loving me. He's been killing my soul since. It's a strain to smile, to move, to breathe. I don't like to be dramatic. It sounds like I am exaggerating. But this is honestly how I feel. Seeing him with that girl last summer was an electric shock of 1,000 volts. What if he did abandon me for her? So what if he did. We had agreed to move on... ... then why haven't I? .... oh wait, I did... and I hurt that other guy... the reason why I feel worse. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I know the only person who can help me is myself. I have the power to change how I feel and act. I can change to a happy mood. ... so why haven't I? ... what is taking me so long to be happy again? To feel the enchantment of life? Life is very good to me. I have no reason to feel like this except for him... He who haunts my dreams. My thoughts... Now that he wants to hang out with me, what do I do? Do I go? Do I ignore it? What does he want??? ... me?... ...Is it possible? And why is it that this other guy stopped talking to me for two months?? It hurts when they do that. HE did that to me too... but for three months... So why has this one come back without skipping a beat, just talking as if we hadn't had that glitch where he stopped? He expects me to still have those feelings. But in those two months I protected my heart. I wrapped it in bubble wrap a million times so that I wouldn't hurt as bad as I could have. It'll take him a long time to pop all those bubbles on the bubble wrap to earn my heart again. Two months ago I'd have done anything to see him. I feel numb... I don't know what to do about these boys. They keep crossing my mind.. It is true that I cannot be with anyone until I love myself. But I do love myself. I am just never satisfied with myself. I am constantly disappointed in me. There are many reasons as to why that is. People say I think too much and am too hard on myself and I work too hard. Well, I feel like I don't do enough of those things. But who is right? ...I have so many questions... but I don't have answers. I'm sure they do though. Wow, this feels good. I don't expect anyone to read this (it's pathetically self centered and obnoxiously long I doubt anyone would put up with this entry), but just typing out my thoughts really and truly feels good. Many times when I try to voice my thoughts and feelings to my family and friends, I cannot get them out clearly or straight or anything. It's ridiculous and embarrassing. This way I don't get judged by anyone and my mind is cleared. I like this... ... thank youu...

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