• I love my friends. They are truly great people. They hold so much love for the world and I'm very lucky to have them in my life around me. They are the type of people that know how to have a good laugh and can give really good advice at the same time. Really they're too good for me. I just can't begin to explain how i feel to have them be apart of my life. One girl has the iq of a genius but her ability of love is infinite and her sense of humor is down to earth. Nothing prissy about her. Another girl once was a model. She is beautiful and is the the prefect cookie: hard and solid on the outside but gooey and warm on the inside. The third girl is the dreamer. She puts all of us on cloud nine and can make us have the grossest sobbing faces cause we're laughing so hard. I love all of them. But on the other hand.....recently I've felt really annoyed by them. Whenever we get together i just feel so anxious and shaky and a little bit nauseous. I feel lonelier being around them. I just look at them and i feel disgusted. I don't know if i feel disgusted at them or disgusted at myself. I don't know why. I feel like a shite person. But then i want to get as far away from them as possible. The genius girl reminds me of a red-mini-van-soccer-mom and she's a future i'm so desperately trying to avoid. Safe, predicable, and unprecedentedly normal. The girl model is selfish. And hard-headed and just makes me want to rip my hair out she can get so frustrating AHHHAHAHAH!!! The dreamer can be mean. She has no filter which can be fun sometimes, but other times, she just splurts words out that she doesn't realize will have that much of an impact but it does. And it hurts. She can make me feel like an idiot real quick. And they all hide these faults really well because their good sides mainly cover up their bad sides. Sigh... At this point in time, should i accept taking the good and the bad? And i hate myself for feeling that way. Like I've said, they're are the best type of people one would want to surround yourself with, and then there i am. Plan and boring. How and why they wanted to affiliate themselves with me is a mystery. But maybe after four years of knowing them, the authenticity has worn off? They've become predictable and boring, maybe? I see them and want to run in the other direction. Why do i feel this way? And how do i fix it? I don't really want to drop them and try and find a different gang because they've done so much for me. And its really hard finding good, truly good people like them. So i think I'll just have to continue being stuck in this rut. I can't tell them this. It'll make them sad. Just four more months then high school will be over then we'll go different ways. I know they have put me in their plans for the future (ie weddings, moving in together, our hopes and dreams and bla bla bla) but right now i not sure how concrete i want those plans to be. I'm hoping the way i feel towards them is just a fleeting moment. I don't' want it to stick. I love them but sometimes....

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