• because that didn't work at all. If I try to go about my business and ignore this, half-heartedly hoping it dies (as a normal, rational adult probably should), I'm miserable. If I create this fog of conjecture and coincidence and pretend things you do are intentionally ambiguous so that I may find hidden meaning if I choose to read it a certain way (as a non-rational, mentally unstable person might), I am also miserable, but occasionally insanely manic-happy, as if I were watching all the patterns in the universe laying themselves out for me and I see you two miles away and smile at you and know you feel it. Sounds pretty bipolar to me. But I'd rather deal with the fallout from those bright flashes than face utter darkness unmitigated.

  I used to be quite capable of walking right around the edge of that pit, looking into it casually, and finding amusement in the futility and desperation I saw in my shadow. I guess I fucked around too many times and my luck ran out, because now I'm right down in it, and it's harder to get out than I anticipated. I guess I'm at an impasse because I've essentially been repeating myself for months now. I don't know what else to do.

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