• "I am so special" that's what she said, just those four simple words the spark of light, golden fireworks burst through them the energy was so strong i could see the color dots dancing around the room, hiding at the edges of everybody's smiles I am so special and she was, now more than ever we all were here in this home at the end of the world come in from the cold, breathe in until you're gasping how could we have ended up any where else? if you have never felt entirely yourself keep searching for the feeling being in that room of the artists, the dreamers, the brilliant minds of a lost generation made my bones hum in a way i couldn't even imagine i was there and i was someone we all had our stories you could tell from the colors painted on skin, from the beads in hair, from the fabric that glistened and sparkled everything said "here i am, existing" making a space for myself in the world and the conversations nobody was talking about other people all of it, just the short bits and snatches were ideas, events,brilliant philosophies we stood and we locked eyes and we knew without words we had once again stumbled into that beautiful world and the best part was, it wasn't just random all the choices, all the decisions, all the thoughts and feelings of the people we were growing into had led us here to the perfect moment there was no fear of an ending because we could always come back this world was getting realer, closer we were finding it more and more often the girl i was dancing on the drugs was starting to make her way into the ordinary this was not a role, a persona i adopted maybe it had started out that way, but now it felt like the truth i could taste it, clear like crystal water running along the back of my teeth this was me at my center i was not an observer, but an actor you cross this line where you're no longer playing dress up at first, you do this drug thing like it's temporary some phase you have to get out of your system you're young and bored and trapped in time you've only seen the showroom model, as though the only way to do this drug thing is get in and out before you're trapped but then, a veil is lifted there is the good side, the psychedelics, the spiritual awakening you meet the people and it's nothing like you expected they are not sick, or starving, or desperate they don't smell, they're not poor or hopeless or going nowhere mostly, they seem gentle and strange, the children of a different age and even though you look around and you can tell that some people, like your parents or your friends from high school might feel uncomfortable you have never in your life felt more at ease nobody seems to have any hidden intentions the atmosphere is so open the conversations lack an ordinary sense of obligation, a duty to keep exchanging words even though all has been said we see a guy doing yoga in a corner, all alone, his limbs like clay, dancing, cutting gracefully through the air he sees us staring and he smiles and the energy flies straight to his eyes, light blue, wide wide open i ask him where he is from, even though normally i hate that question because it ends up meaning nothing but with him, his smile, his dancing arms, it matters because i care he tells us about the earth, your bare feet on the dirt, just wakes your whole body up like BAM! and organic food and yoga and then back to that earth, it's all about nature man, all about going back to the basics every words is flushed with this lighting, this color, i feel my heart gripping onto every word, digging out every ounce of meaning "you're so smart" it's just a fact, it goes with his passion and insight, spilling over into infinity never in my life have i had such a conversation, total passion on both sides it was like that with everybody my heart rose inside my chest and i felt so full me and grace, we were experiencing this together the next night i cried as i lay awake, sending all the positive energy i could find in my heart back out to the universe in gratitude this was going to be the best year of my life and i knew it with a certainty, pulsing in tune with the songs in my head at 20 years old, i had found my home at the end of the world i was making it my reality, my choice and now, it is my job to write and remember i am so special i am on a journey away from the common conception, a journey to happiness, a journey to enlightenment someday i will capture it all in words, every last second here is another piece of the guidebook here is another step closer to the secret of infinity

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