• I no longer understand what is happening. I've directed my energies to too many places at once and I can't comprehend all the information. I've overloaded myself. I can't filter or make meaning of any of it. All I know is how I feel, but I can't even trust that I have correctly interpreted the things that made me feel that way in the first place, or whether the "why" even matters. I should probably also issue a blanket apology for past, present, and future transgressions. Sometimes, too many conflicting forces will cause a rigid mind to shatter. Reassemble, and remember how to flow.

  (I wrote most of the following on December 23) i am utterly confused by what i perceive as mixed messages. what i hear and what i read say two different things. trying to reconcile the two is driving me mad. it's my own fault for choosing to over-analyze. i can't help it. it's in my nature. again, i probably need to step back and out of whatever place this is in my mind, since i seem to have trouble distinguishing the real from the imaginary. there are pictures on my phone that i don't recall taking. the subject matter is certainly not something i would like to be reminded of. but how did they get there? did i leave my phone unlocked in a drunken blackout and you and your friends took some pictures with my phone for the hell of it? or did i, eager to please you though pained by your actions, voluntarily take the pictures under your direction? either way, i am disturbed by the implications. as she crept closer to you on my couch my irritation turned to anger; i tried to play good hostess while at the same time watching the way you touched her so i could think about it later. i found thinking about it only made me sad. the party the previous night had been almost exactly what i wanted: you wore the first thing i ever gave you, you made me laugh and played perfect songs for hours, you chose my gift whether intentionally or by chance, we listened to records with friends and i was too high to talk but content to be in the same room as you. the following night was almost everything i do not want at all. i can deal with the original girl--if you ended up together, i would have been sad, but it would have been a welcome relief from this hell i have willingly and foolishly subjected myself to. seeing you with another just made me angry and sad enough to get blackout drunk and thoroughly drugged. this is why i need to step back and quit interfering with your life (or at least quit thinking that i even have the ability to interfere). nothing in this situation should affect me so strongly, and there is no reason i should allow myself to act this way. also, seeing you with other girls helps expose the illusion a little bit so i can come back to reality, or at least as close to reality as i ever get. when i see you again, i hope it feels more like the christmas party, and not like the following day in which i somehow end up with pictures of you and another girl on my phone.

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