• finally dropped her millstone. I tried to write about that yesterday for three hours, sitting in my car in a department store parking lot, but nothing sounded right. I guess I should bow out, and I know I should be glad that you can pursue someone who is free to return your affection openly, but although I am trying to be happy, I am not. I thought I would be jealous, but it's not even jealousy. Just utter despair. I feel nauseous; I'm crying at work again. You were so close, and I never quite was able to hold on to you. She is there to fill the void, as I was when she was not free. But you were never really mine to begin with. I realize now that I was just a surrogate, a placeholder for you to direct that emotion until she could be yours. Am I wrong? Please tell me that I am.

  I will miss what I liked to pretend was your way of communicating with me. I would guess that you won't have much need of it or much time for it anymore. It's been a year and a week since I saw you talking to my cat at that party. Although the outcome is not what I wanted it to be, and I am sick with regret, I wouldn't trade that insane year of joy and pain for anything. I wish I could tell you that I want you to go be happy with her, but that wouldn't be honest. I am crushed. This loss was what I was trying to avoid feeling during those six weeks over the summer, after the sudden dissolution of the band and what I thought was the end of any hope to ever see you play again, when I routinely got so high that I had to remind myself to breathe. I wrote a lot then that I was afraid to let out, all about despair and desire. I don't think if you had seen it, it would make any difference now, because she can be with you and that's what you wanted from the start, right? Even if I left to come find you right this second, anything I could do is done too late. Also, I am afraid to come find you, but now for different reasons: I suspect she's been with you and I can't handle seeing that.

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